If all the Domino’s employees in the world held hands, you’d have to make your own pizza.
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My boss yelled at me for napping at work, even though I had a clearly posted “do not disturb” sign.
My former lover describes his beloved: “She’s amazing in a hundred different ways.” My guy describes me: “Chatty.”
The Olympic trampolining is too easy. The event should start with the contestant dragging the trampoline out of the garage while drinking and being nagged by their kids at a barbecue.
adulthood is a constant struggle between “i deserve a treat” and “there’s food at home”
Some days having kids makes it all worthwhile. I haven’t experienced any yet, but statistically they’re bound to happen at some point.
🎵Whooooaaaa, I’m halfway therrreee
WHOOOAAAA, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRRR
Take this wig, we’ll fake it I swearrrrr
WHOAOHH, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRR🎶
I’m sorry to hear your uncle was run over by a boat in Venice. My gondolences.
Mistakes were made
Only 50 more days til we find out who’s our next President! Last time I was nauseous 50 days straight, at least I got a baby out of it!
me: i’m a writer
them: oh! what do you write?
me: mostly emails
the 1 thing i ask in life is for someone to use my bathroom and come out and say “wow that is the cleanest toliet I’ve ever seen”
If I’ve learned anything from this year, it’s that my family needs no more than 1 can of tuna for a pandemic. In a panic I bought 20 cans of tuna and 9 months later we have 20 cans of tuna.
I keep a separate microwave dedicated for hotdogs. I call it Frank Zappa.
My husband said he didn’t want to order dessert but then he ate half of mine so I think we must have entered into some sort of parallel universe or something
I exercise by keeping the whisky bottle on the far side of the room.
It doesn’t require opening the fridge door three times if you’re really hungry, you’ll find what you want the first time.
torturer: *sharpening butcher knife*
me: please, no! I have a baby!
torturer: how old?
me: three months
torturer: *untying ropes* go home, I can’t compete with that
I’m a carb girl, born and bread
Amazon review: Amazon river
⭐☆☆☆☆DO NOT GO HERE! Everything tries to kill you, plus they don’t even have free shipping.
companies sending a rejection email after i apply for yet another role with them
There’s been lots of “OH MY GOD!” screams coming from the room opposite mine; I just wish the couple in there didn’t pick now to be praying.
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
I’m not sure if this is the same kind of plague, but I smeared my period blood on the door frame just in case.
In an alternate universe the hard way is always learning me
If you bring A TREE into the house, it must be climbed. Why are you so upset? You’re not being logical.
—cats in Christmas trees
WEIGHT LOSS TIP: Put your chips into a bowl instead of eating out of the bag. That way, you’ll get lots of exercise going back to the kitchen to fill up the bowl 10 times as you eat the entire bag.
6: When were you born?
Me: 1988
6: No, the year.
Me, frustrated: 1988!
6: No, the year….like December….?*spends his college savings cuz we’re not gonna need it*
Friend: I have bad knees.
Me: What did they do? Was it crimes?!
Is “drunk” an emotion?
Because if it is, I am feeling SUPER emotional right now….
“If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my Sven.” -Kristoff