@Firawesome: If all the good ones are taken and you are single, what does that make you?
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@CatherineLMK: Being an adult is like watching a foreign movie with no subtitles in a crowded theater, everyone else knows what's going on and you just nod
@realHamOnWry: Apparently, the latest gadget used by suicide bombers around the world is a vest completely made of Galaxy Note 7s.
@juanadog: Saw a sign on the highway that said "Kill or Injure a Road Worker: $7,500" but it doesn't tell me where to pick up the money...
@Abusitron: As the anesthetic knocks you out, your surgeon washes his hands and misses a really easy shot into the garbage with the paper towel.