If all the good ones are taken and you are single, what does that make you?
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Why learn big words when you can fabricaciously inventify them?
mobster substitute teacher: so you see, the rats sleep with the fishes
kids: *nervously flipping through their zoology books*
Sitting backwards in a chair so that the teens will find me casual and relatable
I can forgive the fact that Peter Peter was a pumpkin eater, but I can’t abide by the fact that his first and last name are the same.
My teen says she is not able to wake up before 10 AM, so I’m going to make the most of this time…blow dry my hair, vacuum her room, test the foghorn.
My teen: How do you not know how to play video games?
Also my teen: So all you have to do is press left, right, up, circle, triangle, square all while holding onto the upper left button.
That moment when you gently throw your phone onto your bed and it decides to bounce off 3 walls, hit a lamp, and kill your dog.
Doctor: Describe your usual day
Me: Eat, wait to eat, eat, wait to eat, eat
Doctor: Okay I see the problem
Me: Right? So is there an anti-waiting pill, or
I have a Polish friend who is a roadie for a band.
I have a Czech one too. A Czech one too. Czech one too.
Me: *buying leggings* I need these for my marathon!
Cashier: Wow really? That’s awesome!
Me: Yeah it’s 9 seasons long and 201 episodes in total
What the hell happened in there??
I lifted my hands up in the air and waved them like I just didn’t care…..
Ceiling fan: 6
Me: 0
me *dead*: at least I don’t have to pay student loans
*Gets e-mail* We see your living status has changed. Click to update your loan info.
that’s really how it is
“What?”
– Jude
At my funeral, I want a giant glitter bomb to go off.
It will celebrate my life while ensuring that no one will forget me, since glitter will cling to them forever.
*tree falls in forest, quickly stands up and looks around to see if anybody heard it, brushes self off*
My husband has forbidden me to go to Costco when I’m hungry. I don’t understand. How hard is it to eat 47 rotisserie chickens?
PSA: If you end your meeting early, you let the people go. you don’t say “lets use this extra time to chat and catch up”. i don’t want to, kevin. i want to not be here.
My wife handed me a mop so I inspected it and said, “You’re good to go, woman!” and now the mop handle is in a funny place.
You get to sleep all day, cat, that’s why I get the good food.
Daylight saving? I’m ready for daylight spending
Me: the most important thing when wearing a mask is that it covers your mouth and nostrils
Batman: oh no
Its probably time to clean the microwave when you heat coffee and it comes out smelling like a burrito.
*Librarian walks in* You know what’s great kids? You don’t need wifi to read a book!
*Kids boo*
*Someone in the crowd yells “NERD”*
If dolphins are so smart why do they still live in the water
scares
Not to brag, but it’s not even Halloween and I’ve already started my Christmas weight-gaining.
65 mph wind gusts today. This is why Midwesterners are heavy. Everyone else rolls away like a tumbleweed.
I only go on LinkedIn to see what my coworkers looked like 15 years ago.