@UNTRESOR: If all your friends jumped off a bridge, would you Instagram it?
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@Brampersandon_: [Cute Girl]: *in hot tub* Hey baby. Why don't you come join me? [Lobster]: No I'm good over here. That's how my dad died.
@NoogsCorner: To do list:nn1) Kill the fly in my room. nn2) Try to snort multivitamins.nn3) Practice Hadouken in mirror.nn4) Kill the fly's loved ones.
@robdelaney: Families that do Christmas card photo shoots months before Christmas have the organizational skills of high-level Nazis.