If all your friends jumped off a bridge, would you Instagram it?
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She told me my analogies didn’t make any sense.
It seriously made me feel like a biscuit in an elevator.
2014: maybe 2015 will be better
2015: maybe 2016 will be better
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
[Snake family queueing to get on the train]
[They spot Samuel L Jackson already on board]
SNAKE DAD: Not this shit again.
Relatives – Because sometimes you need reminding of your bad genes too
My new uniform is so tight I almost broke my fingers getting a card out of my back pocket
I needed this laugh 😂😂😂
Chinese Food: $16.72
Gas to Get to Restaurant: $1.94
Getting Home and Realizing They Forgot One of Your Food Containers: Riceless
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
My husband when I ask him a question while he’s standing next to me: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
Also my husband:
Me: *clears throat*
Husband from different story of the house behind two closed doors: Are you coughing?? Do you have the Rona???
No one:
Me: oh thank you I got it on sale.
[prison riot]
me: here comes the tickle monster!!
[gets stabbed 100 times]
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
If you ever feel dumb, take comfort in knowing I was listening to music on my airpods while vacuuming and did 3 rooms before I realized the vacuum wasn’t even on.
remember when we were little & we all thought we knew karate
I hate when you get hit by a car while walking down the street and texting and no one is in the car and it’s parked on the side of the road.
“People are acting crazy” says the interviewed shopper with the shopping cart piled high.
[me as a mechanic]
*wiping hands with a greasy rag* Yep, it’s haunted.
Customer: It’s-
Me: Haunted.
‘They’ll be searching for days!’ I giggle as I leave ‘sorry bout the damage notes’ on random cars at the Costco
Give me a minute, I can make this about me.
Hate when stores ban free plastic bags, they’re great for picking up dog poop. Guess I’ll find a new hobby to spend my time. Maybe get a dog
I always sit in the middle stall so I have a bathroom buddy.
Memes like this are the reason I still use social media.
I just ordered a life alert bracelet, so if I ever get a life I will be notified immediately.
I still won’t want to talk to you after coffee, it’s a beverage not a miracle
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
I’m guessing Scientology would have a lot more followers if they would’ve just come out and said they were pimps right from the start.
Science Teacher: outside these walls, there are bullies. but in the classroom, there is only science
[I smile and look into my microscope where an amoeba flips me off]
If you’re wondering how much fun I am, we were watching a telly show earlier and I said “we’ve got those gherkins in the cupboard”.
I know, right?