@ChaseMit: If an Elvis impersonator dies, doesn't he kind of become the best Elvis impersonator
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@brocketxyz: My greatest accomplishment as a father? Teaching my son to scream, "I WANT MOMMY," whenever my wife sends me into his room.
@ilovepie84: "When I'm done shitting on your car I'm going to watch your wife undress through her window"-Birds
@ch000ch: (reads smudged writing on hand during date) i just want to say that u look really preffy tonight
@renesosa12: Woo hoo, July 4th wknd! Popped opened a beer, unbottoned my pants, put my feet up. My boss keeps looking at me weird, though.