@ChaseMit: If an Elvis impersonator dies, doesn't he kind of become the best Elvis impersonator
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@tararose711: Pro tip: never tell a three-year-old that you're going to Disney unless you plan on leaving that very second.
@BBQJones28: For every chick that's crying about no good guys out there...there's a dude she's ignoring that's good to her.
@lisaxy424: Always answer a math question in a silly voice because if you're wrong they'll think you're joking and if you're right they'll feel dumb.
@philyuck: ME: I'll sleep on it. MATTRESS SALESMAN: Ok. ME: So wrap it up. I'd like to sleep on it tonight. MATTRESS SALESMAN: Oh, you want the... ok.