@ChaseMit: If an Elvis impersonator dies, doesn't he kind of become the best Elvis impersonator
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@msmollybee25: Someone asked me if I'm ever scared that I'll be alone forever, which I thought was so rude because my cat was right there.
@leshnevsky: Today's 3-year-olds can unlock the smartphone and launch favorite app or music player. What did I do in my 3-year-old? I ate sand.
@therealeatwood: [Wedding] “…to join these two in holy matrimony. The Ring, please?” [Maid of Honor pops tape in VCR.] [One week later: everyone dies.]
@MoneypennyNaked: 20: Roll out of bed looking like a model 30: Blush, brush hair & go 40: Blowout, perfume, push-up bra, mani, Spanx, facial, plaster of Paris