If an Elvis impersonator dies, doesn’t he kind of become the best Elvis impersonator
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Friend graduated Harvard this weekend, but last night I got a 95/100 from the c-pap.
*First day as a spy*
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
*flashback to me ringing the doorbell and running away over & over*
Me: Ohhh yeh
Going to find a way to reprogram my Alexa so everytime my kids ask it a question it responds with “I don’t know go ask your mother”
Ever notice how crickets can be ventriloquists? You think you’ve figured out where they are in the house only to hear that they’re somewhere behind you.
[David Attenborough voice]
and although the female human is no longer hungry she returns once more to the fridge.
I put on a blue vest and walked out of Lowe’s with 9 hammers
Don’t get why guys complain about “sleeping on the couch”
I pay good money to sleep on the couch, but I wish the shrink would shut up.
Before I got married people told me how hard the first few years are but not ONE person prepared me for him saying “I love you, no I love you more” over and over again to the dog every day when he leaves for work.
every. time.
Before asking for my advice, remember that I’ve been stuck upside down in a tree three times this week
I can’t sleep because I’m worried I’m not gonna get enough sleep because I should already be sleeping.
I wonder if Barbers got into the business to just sweep hair
Million dollar idea: A tampon that whistles like a tea kettle when it’s done
Also I have no idea how tampons work
People who wake up perky:
1) whoa…that’s enough
2) see number 1
Of course I know the difference between right and wrong … wrong is the fun one
Prisoner:*strapped into chair* Flip the switch & fry me.
Guard: Oh, we’re not electrocuting you…
*college kid w/ acoustic guitar walks in*
My can opener broke so now it’s a can’t opener.
rich people: be like me, invest in stocks
also rich people: no not like that
If you give your kid a roll of tape today then you should expect you’ll need to buy more tape tomorrow
My front door has a reverse peephole so you can see me ignoring you
13: I’m hungry… can I have a snack?
Me: what do you want?
13: what do we have?
Me: the same things we always have
13: like what tho
today i’m firing on all cylinders if the number of cylinders I have is zero cylinders in total
I once dated a guy who left a trail of rose petals leading to a sinkful of dirty dishes.
Once a lady asked me to guess her age. I don’t like playing this game but she insisted. I gave her a good look, estimated her age, and subtracted 10 years just to be safe. “37” I said. Well for a 26 yo she threw quite the fit.
Anyway the lesson here is don’t smoke cigarettes.
*shampoos & conditions hair
*rinses hair
*blowdries hair
*straightens hair
*spits toothpaste into hair
If a guy wants to call a woman ugly online a window should pop up where he has to upload pictures of all the women he’s slept with
HER: {brings me to bedroom} And this is where the magic happens.
ME: Show me {moves closer}
HER: What do you want me to do to you baby? {moves closer}
ME: {so close that our lips are almost touching} Saw me in half.
[house hunting]
ME: I can see us settling down here
REALTOR: oh you have a family?
ME: *taking realtor’s hand* not yet