If an Elvis impersonator dies, doesn’t he kind of become the best Elvis impersonator
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My kids are arguing over who gets to bring the garbage cans in, proving, once again, that kids will fight about anything.
WIFE: Don’t be scared of him. Tell your boss you quit.
ME: Ok, I will.
[later that day]
ME: I quit
BOSS: WHAT??
ME: I said, nice squid
Me: I’m single – I can eat beans whenever I like
Also me: why am I still single
boss: what are u doing
me: *pretends to read email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read email”
Ann Coulter has managed to stay so thin because the last solid meal she ate was Hansel and Gretel.
Apparently the g-spot is located in a $1700 pair of Christian Louboutins.
Before I had a kid I thought, god, I wish I could say “please put your shoes on” 17,000 times every morning.
My dreams have come true.
first world problems
I could really use hands-free web browsing.
kid that threw a ball into my yard: hey give it back
me: *hugging his dog* no
Me: I love doing dishes while listening to my favorite boy band
Her: N*SYNC?
Me: no Sarah, I wash my dishes in the refrigerator
true crime documentaries are like “this serial killer had to have been a SOPHISTICATED GENIUS! after all, how else could they have outwitted a small-town police department in northern minnesota???”
oh, internet, you didn’t even exist when this happened to me. every weekend.
Don’t worry about my probation officer, he just likes to watch.
OPEN YOUR EYES, PEOPLE!!
AND LET ME TOUCH YOUR EYEBALL!!!
WHETHER OR NOT I’M AN EYE DOCTOR IS **IRRELEVANT**
Sober or not if a cop ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
we call em houseplants like thats where they belong but its just where we put em thats like if u threw me in the sewer & called me sewer boy
[concert]
SINGER: How’s everyone feeling tonight???
ME: Whooo, kind of stressed, I’m in standoff with my HOA regarding lawn ornamentation!!!
Listen son, you know how you find an awesome song & you listen to it over and over again until you hate it? Well, I’m leaving your mother.
holding an old, ratty phone charger cable at just the right angle so that the phone charges is this generation’s rabbit ear antennas for a TV
getting a key tattoo but getting it covered up with a doormat tattoo so no one ever finds it
Therapist: What do we say when we’re feeling sad?
Me: I need a drank n’ a tranq.
Therapist: No.
Over the last few months I’ve collected enough wine corks to raise the Titanic
Me: What does venison taste like?
Food Connoisseur: It’s similar to beef but more gamey.
[Later]
Me: *sees a cow playing Fortnite* V…venison?
The invention of the shovel was groundbreaking
Waiter you misunderstand me. I didn’t say “I need a Mountain Dew: Code Red.” I was letting you know how badly I need a regular Mountain Dew.
No thanks, ancestry dot com. I don’t like the family I’m aware of; I really don’t need to know about anyone else
My 16 yr old has a mandatory sophomore Catholic school retreat that lasts 24 hours. No phones allowed. His argument against going, “I just can’t.”
Me, “It’s tradition. Even I did it. All your siblings did it. Nothing can stop it. Absolutely nothing. Period.”Coronavirus: LOL.
If anyone needs me, I’ll be spending the rest of my life under this bathroom light that gives my abs a hint of definition.
an owl mistook my man bun for a sleeping hamster again today
*still doesn’t understand when or why asterisks started indicating action*