@StellaRtwot: If an interviewer asks you: "Where do you see yourself in 5 years?" say "I don't know, did you see me pull up in a DaLorean?"
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@OhNoSheTwitnt: [in court] Judge: You're the prosecutor? Prosecutor: Yes. Judge: So then who is this? Me: (flips hair) I'm the prosecutest.
@OtherDanOBrien: [2 toads chillin'] Yo, we should start a rumor that if u lick us you'll get high. "Whaaaat, that's genius." We gon’ get mad licked, son.
@InternetHippo: me: this MAN thinks he's ENTITLED to my time! hey buddy i don't OWE you anything!! my boss: do you…know how jobs work
@kimtopher22: Getting my hair done Monday. Good news for the kids who scream "WITCH" as they pass by my house, bad news for the birds that live in it.