If an interviewer asks you: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” say “I don’t know, did you see me pull up in a DaLorean?”
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When someone is arguing on twitter with a private account
The new Disney Pixar movie sounds wild
Sell your car
No matter what country they’re in ducks always have the same quaccent.
I love getting cute morning texts like “your order has shipped”.
Me: Sorry, I can’t tonight. I already made plans.
Him: That’s too bad. There’s going to be open bar and–
Me: What time should I be there?
When you say “You’re going to hate me for this” you’re making a very large assumption that I don’t hate you already
my wife and i are having a hard time conceiving a highway so we’re considering adopting
I hate weddings, funerals and the symphony. I never know when to clap.
[asking a girl out]
ME: So do you have a dog?
HER: Yes, I do. She’s very playful.
ME: *nervously* Do you know if she’s busy later?
Odds I accidentally turn off a room’s lights when controlling house lights from my phone:
Any room my wife is not in – 1%
Any room my wife is in – 92%
*doctor administers experimental anti bad joke serum*
how do you feel?
“with my hands”
let’s give it a minute
Gangnam style!
But it’s just me putting my pants on in the morning
4-year-old: What happens if I throw up in the red shoe bin by the door?
Me: Why is your question alarmingly specific?
4: No reason.
[VIDEO] John Oliver Agrees With You For 22 Minutes
people should stop trying to drive the biggest cars and start trying to drive the goofiest shaped cars. i want to drive a car in the shape of a pizza slice
It’s fascinating how an “ouchie” a toddler experiences can immediately be fixed by giving it kisses.
Walked into a wall? Kiss
Bumped your head? Kiss
Looked at a tree the wrong way? Kiss
Bit a carrot too hard? Kiss
Pooped? Kiss and then a diaper change
So… I JUST FOUND A CAT THAT IS NOT MINE AND IT HAS HAD BABIES UNDER MY BED.
If I had a jet pack I would look AWESOME dying within the first 2 minutes of having a jet pack.
interviewer: describe your hero
me: I needed to borrow space in a friend’s freezer but it was full so she ate enough food to make room
Hey starbucks I’m not using your made up language give me a medium beanwater
Nobody’s coming to my pizzarrhea I don’t get it!!!
Had a med school friend who was super obnoxious about momming better than the rest of us because she made all her own baby food. But she used mainly carrots and sweet potatoes and ended up turning her baby Oompa Loompa orange.
It has been years and it never stops being funny.
sperm bank employee: is he [ear to the wall] is he listening to the full house theme song
Dad:
Mom:
Two year old with over developed brain: Mother. Father. I do not mean to bother you but it seems I’ve soiled the crib. I tried cleaning it up but my arms are too small for me to-
Mom: Why do you have a brutish accent?
Dad: That’s the question you wanna ask?
Tell the barista your name is Beetlejuice and quietly walk out.
One day you’re partying until last call and then before you know it you’re genuinely upset when someone parks in front of your house
[watching The Notebook]
Her: Noah wrote Allie a letter every day for a year
Me: I bet each one just said, Hey
I ruined so many good songs for myself by making them my alarm clock sound
What do you mean I overthink things (as I wonder if I hurt my dog’s feelings by liking cat videos on Instagram)?