All of you number neighbor people are going to get yourselves killed. Stop talking to strangers that could potentially live near you. You’re going to get murdered or make a friend. Both are terrible.
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Them: This is our top-of-the-line model, availa-
Me: I’ll take it.
Them: Sir?
Me: *climbing into casket* Just close the lid behind me.
4yo: Raise your hand if you are young
Me: *raises hand
4yo: No, daddy, not you.
I have seagull managers. They swoop in, screech like hell, shit all over everything, then fly away.
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, and open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
nobody:
90’s boybands:
(-(-_(-_-)_-)-)
Tonight I wanna stay at home and watch a movie with my boyfriend.
Can someone recommend a good boyfriend?
My doctor says I’m a hypochondriac. Is that any way to speak to a woman who’s probably dying?
I enjoy long walks on the beach and that thing you just did with that banana.
[Dark alley at midnight]
*Knife-wielding punk approaches
Me: “Don’t make me do something I might regret…”
*Punk sneers & raises knife
*I phone up and propose to my married high-school girlfriend
Where’s Waldo?
*Leans in*
Buddy, the last person who came around here asking those kinds of questions can’t be found neither
My child had pancakes and syrup for breakfast so I guess I’ll be sticking to my furniture for the next week
There are approximately zero ways to chase paper in the wind without looking like the village idiot
will you marry me?
“OMG YES! I love you!!!”
*imagines typing only 4 characters for ‘wife’ instead of ‘girlfriend’ on Twitter*
I love you too
3 just informed the cashier at Target, that mommy has a tiny mustache in her underwear.
So the weekend is off to a great start.
ME: My goal is to be king, like my dad.
HER: That’s amazing. Of what country?
ME: It was his goal, Linda. And now it’s mine.
Let’s continue this argument later on when I’m alone in the shower and you’re not there to defend yourself
judge: my god
divorce lawyer whispers to my wife: we got him
Neighbour: I see your wife took the garbage out last night
Me: It’s called date night and we had a nice time
me logging onto twitter
What’s your stance on public intoxication?
Mine is very wobbly.
My daughter gets all bossy when we’re playing with her Barbies, but I just smile. Then when she’s at school I play with them the way I want.
Women seem to want security. At least that’s what they yell whenever I approach them.
A pregnant lady, except it’s me smuggling king sized candy into the movies for 6 kids and saving $278.
Isn’t anyone here that can fake a football convo like me:
“He’s showing signs of improving”
“He’s a beast”
“He just has to keep those interceptions low”
“It’s been a wild season”
“Yeah they’re so stacked”
“Yeah that offensive line”
Lol I don’t know shit about football.
[at church]
ME: the fabric on these pews is so soft
HER: omg put your pants back on
Sneezing is a really good way of working out exactly how full your bladder is
Dammit Chief not again
You gotta love a man with a dog’s name and a dog with a man’s name.
“Hi, I’m Cody and this is my dog Steve.”
[Job interview]
Me: [thinking] I hope he doesn’t notice the mustard on my shirtInterviewer: [thinking] Is he eating a fkn hotdog?
You don’t have to choose between being a fighter and a lover. If you say you have a bad back you can normally get out of doing both.