If anxiety was good for weight loss, I’d be back to being a molecule.
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Nothing says “I m not interested” quite as loudly as showing up for a date
ME: holy shit is that the pope?!
HER [tugging on my arm]: sit down that’s the bride
How you gonna accidentally send an inbound missile warning to everyone in Hawaii by “pressing the wrong button”? I had to click “are you sure you want to do this”, verify my thumbprint, and solve an algebra equation just to unsubscribe from the Mr. Belvedere fan club newsletter.
Told my dealer I wanted a shitload of Coke but autocorrect changed it to shipload now I owe a Columbian cartel 18 million dollars
To subscribe to the NY Times, all you do is enter some info online.
To cancel your subscription, all you have to do is call them, ask to cancel, be re-directed to the canceling department, enter a special code that was sent to your phone, do 20 jumping jacks, and die a little.
First date
Me: have you ever taken a selfie with a dog face filter?
Her: Yes, I love those!
Me: Well look at the time this has been fun…
To my writer friends. Just keep going. I was rejected over 48 times before I got my 49th rejection.
[at the mall]
Woman: I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?
Security: sure what’s his name?
Woman: Xander
Security: yeah see that’s probably why he ran off
I should do laundry naked so all my clothes could be clean at the same time.
The most dangerous game but it’s just me seeing how many pages of a kids book I can skip at bedtime
Stop trying to eat garlic bread with your elbow!
…and other things I never said before having kids
My kid brought home a school fundraiser packet in case anyone wants a $43 roll of wrapping paper or an $80 candle.
promising I won’t get too involved in my son’s little league game but it’s the second inning and I just told the umpire to lawyer up
“Daddy will u tuck me in?:)”
“Ok”
*tucks him in*
“Daddy sing me a song:)”
“Ok”
*clears throat*
LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODIES H
instead of eating lunch I just ate a bunch of olives so ….. yet again …..
The only I would ever pledge allegiance to is peanut butter.
I need to be drunk looking in the passport picture because I’ll certainly be drunk when I’m traveling.
Surprised to hear five people were shot at a Chris Brown show, most notably because why were there that many people at a Chris Brown show?
Cavemen who roamed the earth were Meander-thals.
Friend: So, you are distantly related to the family next door, are you?
Me: Yes, their dog is our dog’s brother.
That moment when you hear a weird noise in the house and you’re so lazy you think “Meh, whatever. I had a good run.”
I’m a lady on the streets but a silly fake ghost in the sheets
my roofing company has gone bankrupt. I kept saying “this one’s on the house” every time I finished a roof, how could i be so stupid
Does the employee manual say I CAN’T set up my camping tent inside my cubicle? No? Then please step outside & zip the door up behind you.
It’s so considerate of drug dealers to make the Police’s job so much easier, by always dressing just like drug dealers
How actors in movies eat their food
There’s always that one guy
Mario: YAHOO!! *throws banana peel at another cart, eats a mushroom*
Me: This. This is why I don’t take you grocery shopping.
Me: Sit.
Dog: (confused dog look)
Me: Stay!
Dog: (continues packing suitcase)
Country rooooads
Let’s-a goooo
It’s-a meeeee
MariooooooMushroom Kingdooom
Mama Miaaaa
Take me Hoooome
Rainbow Roaaad