If anxiety was good for weight loss, I’d be back to being a molecule.
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i don’t delete messages just incase someone wanna lie about may 20th 1984
[table of 6 year olds in lab coats]
How are we supposed to find a cure for cooties if we
*bangs fist on table*
CAN’T EVEN FIND WALDO?!
I know it’s called Words With Friends, but the moment you play “QI” on a triple word spot, you just became my mortal enemy.
[courtroom]
JUDGE: “In the case of the State vs Waldo, Jury- how do you find the defendant?”
LEAD JUROR: “…we uh…haven’t yet”
Wait for it. (You won’t regret it).
*Cooks dinner for family*
Gets arrested for attempting to cause great bodily harm
Texting drivers running over texting pedestrians: a modern day zombie apocalypse.
Add a touch of magic to your allergies by filling your mouth with glitter before you sneeze.
Who decided that we have to get stuff done every day?
My ex once told me not to psychoanalyze him but he left me for a psychologist and I think about this a lot
got kicked out of a morgue for promoting body positivity
Whatever happened to that little girl from The Ring, did she grow up to be Kristen Stewart?
Paramedic: What happened?
Me: [lying in pool of blood] I told my girlfriend she was turning into her mother and she stabbed me.
Paramedic: They all turn into their moth– *also gets stabbed*
Them: This is our top-of-the-line model, availa-
Me: I’ll take it.
Them: Sir?
Me: *climbing into casket* Just close the lid behind me.
Jumps into shower
Shower : I have a boyfriend
Me: *opens a package*
5-year-old: You ordered us bubble wrap!
Me: I ordered the thing inside the bubble wrap.
5:
Me: I ordered you bubble wrap.
I want the immune system of this barefoot man in 7-Eleven
some tweets get big favs but no RTs. why? [camera pans to dog in lab coat high up on a distant ledge. we’re too far away to hear his answer]
anyone who’s put together Ikea furniture knows damn well why they call it a hex wrench
I’m currently boycotting any company that sells items I can’t afford.
Them: You’re hot.
Me: *eyes narrowed suspiciously* How many crosswalks do you see in here right now?
[murderer hunting me in the forest]
me: *quietly opens velcro wallet*
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
I wish for World peace.
Genie: Can’t do it.
Million dollars?
Genie: Listen bro, I lied on my genie resume.
Saw Little Women. Totally misleading title. They stayed normal-sized the whole time. 2 stars.
Men want to be him. Women want to be with him. Bears want to eat him. Botflies want to lay their eggs in his skin. Fish are unaware of him.
My kids had to work extra hard this morning but they were able to get the clean house back to it’s normal messy state just in time for the guests to arrive.
I ate a kids meal at Wendy’s
his mom was furious
Captain: Does anyone have a hanky we can use for a white flag?
Me: Here Cap.
Captain: Does anyone have a clean hanky we can use for a white flag?
Wearing oven mitts and clicking BBQ tongs:
Ok I’ll look at that rash now.
I like the idea of almond milk, but then I can’t get the image out of my head of someone milking a nut.