Just met up with my heroine dealer. Got three Wonder Womans and a She-Ra.
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You know how moray eels can’t let go when they bite, and both sets of jaws must be pried off even after they’re dead?
Don’t touch my fries.
[looking at family picture]
Me: Such good times
3yr old son: But I’m not in the pic
Me: *ruffles his hair* I know, buddy
What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K?
HDMI
HER: Wow you look great.
ME: Thanks. I use both my eyes.
Me: I want a labrador but pet shops are so expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
They didn’t ghost you. Their spouse found out.
Me: I love you!
Girlfriend: Is that you, or the vodka talking?
Me: It’s me…talking to the vodka.
I’m trying to pretend these kids aren’t mine, but it’s so hard when they are sitting at the same table as me in this restaurant.
if you wear camouflage on house hunters, the houses will never see you coming
Tomorrow is the 4th of July which means one thing, it’s going to be a really big day for nail art Instagram photos.
what is joe biden’s plan to make everything bagels less messy to eat
for lent one year, i decided to give up coffee, so i switched to sugar-free rockstar energy drinks instead and that’s when i realized that maybe religion wasn’t the right thing for me.
Saw a momfluencer post where she talked about how she had a “living room family,” not a “bedroom family” because everyone felt happy and safe together in the living room and didn’t feel the need to isolate themselves in their bedrooms. Her kids were 2-years-old and baby.
her: kids grow up so fast these days
me: I know, it was scary when I asked my daughter how old she was and she held up three fingers
her: exactly!
me: she wouldn’t tell me where she found them
The FBI’s security gets penetrated so often that we should make it an honorary Kardashian.
I hate the people who cause division in society. It’s not because I’m a liberal, I just hate maths!
Guy: so what u up to after this?
Me: {remembering my friend said to be mysterious but quirky} probably eat a whole red onion in an alley
A friend of mine just said, Am I the only one who gives my dog a massage?
Well, I replied, I can honestly say I’ve never given your dog a massage.
I don’t know why the principal, the teachers & my daughter are freaking out. I would have loved to have a beer in my lunch when I was 12.
if I won an award my acceptance speech would just be a list of medications that I’m thankful for
Based on 2020 thus far, I’m expecting the flying monkeys of Oz to show up any time now.
Pick-up line: Hi, I have never been a Hollywood producer or USA Gynastics team doctor.
My son asked my 7yo how she would survive a bear attack and she replied she would try to be his friend, thus making her the most adorable of my children but also the least likely to survive an encounter with an actual bear.
bank robber: ok listen up this is a robbery, everybody be cool [to me] take off those sunglasses
me: first of all, i can’t do both
Wife: for the last time buy a terrarium
Me: [drops 7 lizards into my shirt] why they already have a home
A naked man brushed his teeth next to me as I washed my hands. This is why I don’t go to the gym often.
Making French toast is a lot like making regular toast. The only difference is that you use your tongue.
Her: is it in yet
Me: *fumbling with phone charger behind bed* don’t rush me
I’m sorry, you’ll have to repeat that. I’m not fluent in nonsense.
The strangest thing happened. A coworker who always says, “Living the dream” was mysteriously stabbed 37 times in the neck with my car keys.