If any cheetahs are reading this, please do not eat my son.
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I accidentally inhaled some soap when I was washing my face and then I coughed and no bubbles came out. Cartoons are full of shit.
Me: did you actually brush your teeth?
11: yes
Me:
11: I did!
Me:
11: just maybe not all of them
[Antarctic Courtroom]
Polar Bear: “You hated your wife didn’t you, Pingu!”
Walrus Judge: “Careful Mr Prosecutor. You’re on very thin ice”
Polar Bear: “Your honor, permission to approach the bench”
Walrus: “No. I…”
*Polar Bear takes step forward, plunges through melting ice
Oh, you’ve got 99 problems?
Amateur.
Him: “So what’s your bedroom number?”
Me: “7”
Him: “oh really?”
Me: “yeah, how many pillows do YOU sleep with?”
Them: I’ll see you in court!
Me: Never![in court]
Me: (enters in head-to-toe camouflage]
Hoping for an even stronger cup of coffee, I just replaced the water in my coffee maker with coffee. Now we wait.
“Are you religious?”
Bro I don’t even believe in myself
My favorite part of parenting is watching the same tiny human that just happily ate what he pulled out of his nose, gag over my homemade lasagna
A restaurant called Grandma’s House where the wait staff greets you by saying you hardly call anymore and no matter how full you are they always make you eat more than you want
McDonalds food takes so long because they have to mold the clay, paint the items and then spray them with real food smell
[Haunted House]
Ghost:You’ve been here a week
Me: I like you
G:You knew what this was
M: I thought I was your boo
G: I say that to everyone
My 3 year old reported seeing a spider-cricket and I couldn’t find it so we’re outside watching the house burn.
When you’re over 40 and a part of your body starts hurting for no reason that is nature sending a “what ya doing?” text.
I was in the park vaping in a tree when skateboard punk yolo teens called me “poor,” but jokes on them — I make hundreds of dollars a year.
Elbows may look like chicken skin, but they don’t fry up the same.
The cats activated the rainbow portal again
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘monosyllabic’
“Can you describe it in a sentence?”
Yes
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote “I ain’t afraid of no ghosts”
ME: *sweating profusely* Yeah why, do any ghosts work here?
[costume shop]
Me: I’d like a cloak, please.
Clerk: is plepsi ok?
If you want to take your pet snakes for a walk in the rain, I have a handy instructional video on how to make reptile raincoats out of used condoms.
Me: *dies*
My kids: *taking out Ouija board*
H-I
M-O-M
W-H-A-T
A-R-E
Y-O-U
M-A-K-I-N-G
F-O-R
D-I-N-N-E-R?
An episode of Unsolved mysteries, but it’s just parenting a teenaged boy and trying to figure out why you’re out of moisturizer again.
Him: I’m feeling under the weather.
DATING: I’m so sorry. That stinks.
ENGAGED: I will nurse you back to health with chicken soup and cuddles.
MARRIED: *sprays him with lysol*
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
When you get to my age, your milkshake still brings boys to the yard, but they’re like “I’m lactose intolerant.”
Marry the person who looks at you the way a Labrador looks at a tennis ball…obsessed, slightly crazed and probably drooling a little.
doctor: now let’s step over to the xray machine
ray: the what
My days of chasing men are now over.
I chase ice cream trucks now.
Groot is a tree but he doesn’t have roots. They should just call him G.