@robdelaney: If any cheetahs are reading this, please do not eat my son.
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@peteholmes: Forgot to make resolutions? Just write out everything you did last night and at the beginning add the word "stop."
@ArfMeasures: ME: The kitten has eaten all the grapes! GF: Just get some more ME: Ok [later] GF: Did you get more grapes? ME [drowning in kittens] what?
@VintageKriner: "You're more likely to be killed in a car wreck than eaten by a shark." The shark made a convincing argument, so I got out of the cage.