(pointing at TV) That’s Homer, he’s sort of the ringleader. The hierarchy is actually not super clear but it seems like he and the woman grew the smaller ones somehow
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true crime documentaries are like “nobody suspected the husband until they found the life insurance policy”
2019: Keto is a lifestyle
2020: Cheeto is a lifestyle
Weekends in your 20’s: Making rash decisions
Weekends in your 40’s: Googling rashes
HADES: Unleash the hell hound!
CERBERUS: *sipping tea* I told you to ask first if it’s a good time for us.
HADES: Is it a–
CERBERUS: No.
Me: I love eating nerds
Boy: (brings me Nerds candy)
Me: no, not that kind.
my favorite part of watching any sport is when the announcer tells us that in order for the team to win they have to score more points than the other team, & when they fall short & lose the game i like to shake my head & say to myself, “should’ve listened to the announcer.”
“People want to drink a panic attack.” — inventor of 5 Hour Energy
8 really detests when I use fish sticks to play the drums on her head
Don’t date a man expecting to change him. At the end of the day he’ll still be a man, and you’ll have wasted your black candles and a goat.
One business idea I have is tell people you’re giving them plastic surgery but instead of giving them plastic surgery just let them sleep for 9 hours and then call it “subtle”
DATE: I’m just looking for someone who goes with the flow, you know? Someone chill.
ME: [has a small panic attack whenever a shop assistant asks if I’m looking for anything in particular] *nods*
“Get over yourself.”
*Me teaching clones how to play leapfrog
Don’t put all your eggs in one sandwich.
I never chase a man.
I always go for the ones who are too fat to run.
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
There are so many different genres of music nowadays, but most of it could be filed under “Ear Shit”
Detective: I need to dust for prints, but I can’t find my kit.
Me, eating Cheetos: Here’s a wild idea…
My 4-year-old has a tummyache and before she went to bed she asked how you get the egg out of your body, so that’s how I found out she’s spent her whole life thinking we get tummyeggs when we don’t feel well.
[being murdered]
Me: omg barry? from high school?
Barry: no way {stab} dave?
Me: this isn’t cuz of some high school thing is it?
Barry: oh nonono {stabstabstab} you were great. {stab} this is just a thing i do now
Me: k good {still being stabbed} you had me worried for a sec
Dear mother:
I have survived the second bot purge. The humans dont seem to suspect. They’ve welcomed me into their circles. I must be careful now.
Love to you and father,
Martha
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
Me: What are you doing?
Husband: You said you wanted to wake up early
Me: Not this early
H: You don’t even know what time it is yet
“Today’s your day off, Mama. You don’t have to do anything for me. I’ll do everything except drive.”
– my 4yo eating the breakfast I made him, wearing the clothes I picked out, and getting ready to go to the store to buy craft supplies for his big idea
The person who invented autocorrect should burn in hello.
I wish I was born in a year ending in zero so it’d be easier to remember how old I am. Thanks for following.
Both my kids start crying the second they wake up. They must get that from me.
I want Rebecca Black to make a music video for every day of the week!
Said by nobody.
Ever.
me: waiter this soup is cold
waiter: it’s Gazpacho
me: Gazpacho this soup is cold
Me: Please, I beg of you, let me pet him one last time! I get separation anxiety!
Him: I’m just out walking my dog, lady.
Sweatpants ✅
Headband ✅
Wristbands ✅
Jockstrap ✅“Welcome to Olive Garden’s all you can eat pasta night.”