@jonnysun: crime tip: secretley grease a cop's butt befor a car chase so when he slides acros the hood he'll slip off & keep on slidimg down the street

@Bahstonlady: Babies make for the worst pets ever, I try to explain to all of the expectant mothers at the grocery store.

@IGotsSmarts: I once went to a diner and ordered a chicken salad sandwich and an egg salad sandwich to see which would come first.

@UkeOfEarl1: [Working in a hospital] ME: Well, this guy's autopsy is done NURSE: You mean tonsillectomy ME: Uh oh

@UncleDuke1969: Vacuumed a section of carpet 20 times before I realized I was trying to clean up a patch of sunshine. Intellectual powerhouse. Right here.