@KeithAshers: If any ladies out there need jars opened or items from a high shelf, HomeDepot sells rubber grips & ladders. -match.com bio
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@omically: saying "we won" after watching a sports game is like saying "we played really well" after watching a concert
@2tickytacky: He told her that trees blossom in her presence. What he meant was that she scares the sap back up into them.
@THEPokerWife: After seeing your latest selfie ... And knowing what you look like in real life.... I'd like to hire you for your photoshopping abilities.
@DanKCharnley: [1st day as undercover cop] *approaches drugdealer* Me: "Yes hello I'd like to purchase one crack and two marijuanas please!" *gets stabbed*