@omically: saying "we won" after watching a sports game is like saying "we played really well" after watching a concert

@2tickytacky: He told her that trees blossom in her presence. What he meant was that she scares the sap back up into them.

@THEPokerWife: After seeing your latest selfie ... And knowing what you look like in real life.... I'd like to hire you for your photoshopping abilities.

@DanKCharnley: [1st day as undercover cop] *approaches drugdealer* Me: "Yes hello I'd like to purchase one crack and two marijuanas please!" *gets stabbed*

@secondofhername: The answer is funnier than the question