If any of my ex-girlfriends are reading this, I want you to know I’m eating chicken nuggets with THREE different dipping sauces, you blew it
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Boss: Where were you on Friday?
Me: It was a holiday.
Boss: HALLOWEEN IS NOT A PAID HOLIDAY!
Me: It is if you go as Christmas.
Boss:…
Never let the printer know that you are in a hurry.
Shrek 5 should be a multiverse team-up with Gamora, the Grinch, the Hulk, the Jolly Green Giant, Kermit, an Orion dancer, Oscar, Mike Wazowski, Baby Yoda, Non-Baby Yoda, & that guy who won’t shut up about his one Irish grandparent.
The bleeding walls and voice saying “Get out” I can live with but the inadequate natural light in the breakfast nook is intolerable.
If life was fair, salad would cause weight gain, and we’d have to eat a lot of chocolate to lose it all back.
Call me old fashioned, but I never cry in front of another man unless it’s to get out of a speeding ticket…
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have huge muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
[ground control to major tom] so like, what time is it in space right now?
“I’ve led you this far so the LEAST you can do is drink, dammit!”
perhaps my fairy godmother went to the ball herself
sigh
Me: You bought 6 bottles of carpet cleaning solution?
Wife: Yes.
Me: We have hard wood floors.
Wife: I had a coupon that was expiring today!
I went deep sea fishing once and caught what I thought was a marlin, but was actually a catfish with a party hat glued to its face.
I hate it when someone tells me something, then says “this information is not for public consumption.“
…As if I plan on eating it.
A thief broke into a car and only stole a Kit Kat. Who leaves a Kit Kat in a car unattended?
The moment I said “iligalbility” I knew it was time to put the glass of wine down.
That and the fact that the bottle was empty.
Him: I bet you’re good in bed.
Me: Oh hell yeah I am. I sleep solid as a rock!
I would steal more cars if only folks left their keys behind the sun visor like in the movies DAMN.
Best thing about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re about to make a point so people know it’s about to get real.
If you ever get locked out of your house, talk calmly to the lock.
We all know that communication is the key.
Guys criticizing women’s pics on here are like, “yes, you’ve laid a fully cooked banquet in front of me — but that roast is a little overdone, I’ve seen better in a cookbook once”
if they played poker with potato chips I’d have a gambling problem
I love how the cat trips me when I’m trying to refill his water bowl so that I get a water all over both of us, but then HE glares at ME.
BILLY JOEL: Only the good die young.
CLIMATE CHANGE: Actually I’m not gonna be picky.
I remember when I was younger and I picked this girl up from her house, her dad answered the door and was like “have her back by 2200 hours” and I didn’t know military time but I was ok at maths and was like “sure, see you in 3 months”
Where the hell are all the scissors?!
– a parenting memoir
[interview for an accounting job]
Your resumé says your greatest strength is using idioms. How can that help in this job?“You do the math”
WHY ARE WE ALLOCATING EMERGENCY AID FOR THE ARTS?
Screamed by people who have been watching Netflix, reading books, and playing video games for 18 hours/day.
Right about now, family members all over the country are realizing the Starbucks cards I gave them for Christmas are empty.
date: you can’t seriously be mad
me: [one french fry fewer than before] i just hope i don’t starve
i was skeptical about people paying money for my tweets but i just did the math and i could quite possibly make $5.98 a month.