Me: *puts mistletoe over our heads* oooh you know what this means
Dementor: what the hell
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Oh, you climbed Mt. Everest?
Well, I live with 4 teenagers and ALL the laundry in the house is clean AND folded.
.
Me, bright eyed, eager to follow the rules:
should I remove my necklace?TSA agent: … what… is it.
Me, smiling hard, too awake, excited to share:
It’s a tiny harmonica!TSA agent:
*closes eyes for a long time, her weariness meant for an entire generation.* JUST GO.
*picks up the bagel again*
sorry i gotta take this one
*leaves office & talks on the bagel for 15 minutes solid*
Hell hath no fury like a toddler just waking up from a nap.
I do my best speed walking when I’m trying to beat another customer to the checkout at the liquor store.
how disrespectful to start wwiii in the middle of coachella.
Back to the gym after a lengthy hiatus and noticed they made everything heavier, weird
My son was so excited to get a text from his beloved mama, he responded only eight hours later with a heartfelt “aight.”
Her: What’s the baby playing with?
Him: Marbles.
Her: OMG, she might swallow them!
Him: Don’t worry! They’re not my competition marbles.
3.
The number of times you can flip a grilled cheese sandwich before you notice that you have the pan on the wrong burner…cuz of Twitter.
I quit my job at Starbucks because of all the name-calling.
Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself five years from now?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
Misery loves company,
and apparently that’s why my parents invite me over every Thanksgiving weekend.
“Wow, cell phones are getting ridiculously big.”
“That’s a smart car.”
Her: You’ll never guess what I did today.
Me: You’re right. *gets up, leaves the room*
[knock on door]
Who is it?
“Jeff”
Jeff from work or Jeff who lies about his identity?
“Jeff from work”
[opens door]
“Sucker”
I broke a lightbulb, smashed artwork, splattered milk from cereal bowls across kitchen walls and knocked over candles.
Fly is dead.
Hey dude, there’s 10 empty urinals in here no need to stand right next to…
And now he’s talking to me!Someone call 911!
Five Little Monkeys jumping on the bed
One fell off and bumped his head
Mama sipped wine and said, “told ya.”
Her: draw me like one of your French girls
Me, seductively: *puts her hand onto paper* this will be the perfect hand turkey
my body type can best be described as “the more the merrier”
Everyone else at the table can order a margarita at 10a.m., but I ask for a cup of queso with a straw, and suddenly I’m the one with the problem.
You know you’re drunk when you sit down on the toilet & try to put your seatbelt on
Today we pretended we were dining out and it felt so real because right after the first bite my kids decided to go potty
ME: Good date?
FRIEND: Ok. Until he got undressed
ME: Then what?
FRIEND: [sticks out pinky finger]
ME: Ah. Then he drank tea in a fancy way
In case anyone needs to feel better about their parenting, my 9yo saw someone inside Build-a-Bear wearing a reindeer costume and said, “Look Mom, it’s a furry.”
I hope someday you’ll find it in your heart to murder me.
At bedtime I ceremonially move the claw clip from my hair to the bag of chips, signifying the end of the day.
*Microsoft Teams when you don’t move your mouse for 12 seconds* THIS GUY’S AWAY EVERYONE. EVERYONE, THIS GUY’S AWAY. WHAT’S HE UP TO? ITS NOT LUNCHTIME SO WHY’S HE AWAY? SOMETHING IMPORTANT? NOT FOR ME TO SPECULATE. JUST FLAGGING.
I hate it when I change my profile status to single and the wife changes it back to married