Attacked by a mop.
You Might Also Like
Judge: For the crimes you have committed you will go to prison for 10 years
Me: That’s a long sentence!
Judge: Ok – “you get 10 years”
if you really want to capture her heart this Valentine’s Day sculpt her likeness in ham, the most sensual of the smoked meats
cop: can you describe the suspect
witness: he was no more than 6 feet
cop: [crossing out spiders] thank god
Forgive me father for I have sinned, it’s been 25 yrs since my last confession, I sure hope you’re seated comfortably.
Subway only exists because we’re all too damn lazy to throw a sandwich together.
“Could you lay meat on that bread for me? Here’s $8.”
astronaut: houston we have a problem
houston: what is it?
astronaut: my wife left me
houston: we only deal with space problems
astronaut:
houston:
astronaut: my wife left me while I was in space
Me: Time heals all wounds.
Murderer: *stabbing me* Way to keep a positive attitude, but that’s probably inaccurate.
Turns out, it’s hard to say ‘Whoopdeedoo’ without sounding sarcastic.
my computer: consider changing your password
me: consider fighting me in the streets
Taco guy: guac costs extra
Obi Wan: [wafts hand] guac is free
Taco Guy: guac is free…
Anakin: why’d u even pay for the taco?
Obi Wan: dammit
I thought this was funny lol
Any driver who sees this will immediately crash.
okay, whoever wished for avocado to become “the poor man’s butter” again, put down the monkey paw
*hires sky writer to propose to psychic girlfriend*
WILL YOU MARRY ME
*2nd planes flies by 5 seconds later*
HELL NO
WIFE: Where are you off to?
ME: Shits & giggles.
WIFE: What?
ME: I’m gonna read funny tweets on the toilet.
Since it’s hunting season, we are allowed to shoot the cars with the antlers on them, right?
Algorithms aren’t omniscient, they’re more like aunties buying presents. “I saw you like rugby. Surely you must play golf, they’re both sports!” “You live in Paris. Would you be interested in traffic updates from Cincinnati, because they’re both cities?”
Haters gonna hate.
Procrastinaters gonna … get back to you on that tomorrow…
If I plant a McRib can I grow a McWoman?
getting a nose ring so i don’t lose my keys
PAC-MAN: *eating his third ghost* You know, these just aren’t filling.
[1st date]
me: do you want kids?
her: Yes
me: GREAT [pulls 7 babies out from under table] HERE’S MINE HAVE FUN GOTTA GO
Mom called. She was worried. Thought maybe I moved because I haven’t answered her email and she wouldn’t know the new address to send it to.
Princess Peach has been kidnapped so often, I’m beginning to think she might be Liam Neeson’s daughter.
Nothing brings a family closer at graduation than a flask.
*grabs mic at a funeral* ok now say nice things about me
My 4yo is constantly asking us if he can push buttons and it’s like…you already do buddy…you already do.
Show me your pushy.
– Sean Connery shext
Don’t worry there’s only 60 more days of January
Hi, I would like to file a complaint against everything.