This is what every Twitter trending topic looks like to me now
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[Advert for hiking]
Do you hate walking? Would you like to hate it even more?
SON: Daddy, how come our snowman hasn’t melted, like everyone else’s?
ME: Because it’s made from leftover mashed potato son.
“You’re only as old as you feel.”
Me, feeling 300 yrs old: Yes, thank you. So inspiring.
ghost: boooooOoo
me: you better stop
ghost: what are you doing
me: [setting up ouji board] i’m calling your mother
ghost: oooOooooh noooOoooOooo
My Fitbit mistook my panic attack for high intensity interval training.
SF is the wild wild west man
The neighbor’s 5yo keeps yelling “are we boyfriend and girlfriend” across the fence at my 5yo, and my kid just came running in the house and slammed the door, so I guess that answers that
yeah i’m a bit of a rebel
Dear God, make me a bird. So I can fly real high and then shit on people.
*lifts 10 pound weight*
Nice.
*adds “salmon” to list of animals I could protect a woman from*
I like to move it.
But not move it move it.
Just the one move it.
[Clinic waiting room]
Me: WHEN DO WE DO BUTT STUFF??!
Nurse: Sir don’t shout that!
Me: [whispering to old lady next to me] butt stuff. when?
If God didn’t intend for us to eat animals, he was probably really freaked out when we started
I’m never more unattractive than when a bee flies in my face
Well, I’ve put it off long enough. I guess I should check on those wraith-like noises coming from the attic. I’ll be right back.
Me: I don’t care if schools open, you’re not going.
13: I am going! You’re not using this as an opportunity to live out your homeschool mom fantasies.
Me: Please. My fantasies involve boarding schools. Get over yourself.
Marie Kondo: Ask yourself if it sparks joy?
Me: [looks at daughter’s bedroom and throws the entire room out]
[Doctor’s Office]
Dr: I’m not going to candy-coat this….
Me: *misses bad results of test because I’m imagining a coat made of Skittles*
I want to walk down the street with my friends and be feared and not have people assume we’re probably on our way to a buffet.
My Alexa overheard my Roombas talking and, long story short, I now have 114 Roombas in my living room circling their god, Alexa.
*performs interpretive dance at your psych evaluation
The reason fish come wrapped in newspaper is because the easiest way to catch them is to sneak up on them when they’re reading.
Neat, your girlfriend is made out of the same stuff as your air guitar!
“Hey, it’s us. The cable company you already use. Just wanted to remind you that we exist with this pointless commercial on this channel that’s provided by us, the cable company.”
she FINALLY texted me after 16 hours now i will make her wait 45 seconds
Tell your wife her butt looks big in those jeans.
Live a little.
Having a conversation with my oldest we came to this impasse:
5: No mom, not chicken the animal, chicken the food!
Me: Oh man, buddy…I’ve got bad news for you.
Love when a cop car pulls up alongside of me and I start thinking of every bad thing I’ve ever done.
When they were saying “we will find a good home for him” I thought they were talking about the dog,I didn’t know they were talking about me!
I follow funny people on Twitter because according to the police, doing it in real life is not appropriate.