Time to play a new game I just made up called “disgusting phrases,” I’ll go first:
“spicy wet cheese”
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[First date]
Him: Can you pass the-
SOMETIMES WHEN I SLEEP ON MY STOMACH MY CAT LIES ON MY BACK LIKE A TINY SURFER
[killer enters home in middle of night]
ME: Who goes there?
KILLER: Haha
ME: What
KILLER: Who still says “Who goes there”
ME: Ok laugh it up
fred flinstone (my landlord): the rent is due
me: say it
fred: pls no
me: i’m not paying
fred: *sighs* the rent is yabba dabba due
me: haha
Me 5pm: Need to go easy on the booze tonight, have to function tomorrow.
Me 1am: *twerking in a Denny’s parking lot.
My signature move is getting drunk before anyone can ask me to be the designated driver.
I’m not a god.
I’m a regular guy who just happens to be immortal and perfect in every way.
There’s a difference.
*has argument with husband*
*brings up all the dumb shit he said in 2011**adds “Historian” to bio*
ME: how about a horn solo
DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: that’s not how this works
nurse: how do you rate your pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
When a Nokia phone warns you about low battery, you have at least 1 month to find where the charger is lying in your house.
Do emojis hide????
I can’t find an emoji I know is suppose to be there on the keyboard… Where is it?
(meanwhile someone thinks am typing paragraphs yet just looking for the one emoji 🙈)
“I get plenty of exercise” I tell myself as I eat a banana peel because I’m too lazy to get off the sofa and throw it away
A 5 day juice diet. They said I would “feel it” working in just 5 days. They were right, I’ve never felt more hungry in all my life.
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
imagine being 93 years old and then you’re bit by a vampire and you’re stuck being a 93 year old forever
This woman in a commercial says “I just tried a new laxative that’s both gentle and fast” then gets in her car and drives off and I’m questioning whether she really thought this through
Pro tip: Instead of having kids, just adopt a couple raccoons. They’ll trash your house too, but at least they can feed themselves.
[shows up late for first day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour*
[shows up late for second day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour 2*
thank you for bringing your bluetooth speaker to the beach, i was concerned the ocean would be too soothing
wow just finished my high intensity daily workout (taking all the cups from my room back down to the kitchen) and i’m feeling that burn. no excuses guys train hard go hard be Hard
A meth lab sounds like a terrible dog.
Jury duty
[Burps] Wow, excuse me.
Judge: You’re excu-STOP THAT!
my kids April fools joke was putting a huge fake fly in the fridge and saying
“dad…would you like to go to… [long pause] …the fridge?”
why sure kiddo, this is a normal everyday conversation we have
Just remember…once annoying family arrives, the only side dish you’ll need is whiskey and a shot glass.
“Struggling with insomnia” sounds like you’re just trying to help insomnia put on its coat and it won’t stop waving its arms around.
*Brings axe to slumber party*
“Oops. I thought you said ‘lumber party'”
*Knew the whole time*
*Waits until they’re asleep*
*Chops down tree*
Tween: Mom, can you take me to the mall to go to Abercrombie?
Me: Awe, I used to shop there when I was your age.
Tween: Nevermind.
Always wear clean underwear, In case you are abducted by aliens