To the guy that stole my anti-depressants, I hope you’re happy now
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Wife: I thought you returned this movie three weeks ago?
Me: I wanted to watch it again.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I found it in the refrigerator.
my bf dealing with his cats is so funny… they just started fighting and i heard him go “stop it! Did you really think that would solve the conflict?!” Like i bet they were so embarrassed
If Donald Trump becomes president, we could finally out-crazy North Korea.
Show me your nuts.
Show me you’re nuts.See how important the “you’re” “your” thing is?
I hate when people call and say they’re 10 minutes away for a “drop-by surprise visit” and I have to set fire to my house.
Girl: My dog bit my boyfriend.
Me: Your dog is a good judge of character.
Airport receptionist: anything to declare?
Me: how bout these guns? *flexes*
Her: OH GOD HE’S GOT GUNS!
Me: wait.. I was..
Her: HELP!! AGH!
Why does toothpaste drop off your toothbrush so easily but then turn into a type of thermosetting polymer that’s impossible to wash away?
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because for a few miles they believed you were the real bus driver.
Put your address and social security number into the GIF search then mail me your house keys to find your rapper name
I’m gonna say Amazon 3 times and hope my scarf I haven’t ordered yet appears.
Newborn babies implies there are oldborn babies and honestly that’s terrifying
Ex bf: Would you give me a second chance for a Klondike bar?
Me: you can shove that square peg in your round hole.
me: ah, now I will drift gently off to dreamland.
refrigerator: I SHALL MAKE US SOME ICE CUBES
Me:
My dad:
Me:
My dad: when was the last time u checked ur oil
gonna buy myself something nice
like a straight jacket
God I hate kids.
And people.
And animals.
And sardines.
And stuff that’s alive.
And stuff that’s dead.
I hate stuff.
I like cheese.
I only put healthy stuff in my kid’s lunchbox so the teacher doesn’t judge me.
[FBI job interview]
“Do you have any self defense training?”*flashback to hiding behind fence from teenagers* Yes I’m skilled at fencing.
I’m sick and my son just brought me tea and said let me know if you need anything else my queen so I bumped him up in the will and gave him ice cream for dinner.
Roman: Any last words?
Jesus: I’ll be back.
The main city in DuckTales being called ‘Duckburg’ is mad. Imagine a human city called Manchester
All I’m saying is that I’ve chaperoned a 25 student class field trip and you’re definitely in trouble if you lose even one of them.
My father has many healthy goats. All this can be yours.
This guy on GMA is thanking God b/c he survived 2 plane crashes. I’m pretty sure “God” is trying to kill him.
Me: You should be nicer to me. You’ll never have another dad.
5-year-old: Don’t be so sure. Mom is pretty.
Whenever someone tells me “make yourself at home” at their house, I always clog their toilet
[WOLF CUB] Dad, why do we howl at the moon?
[WOLF DAD] Well son, the moon is made of cheese and that’s rad as hell
little bit about me: i once saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light. he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i just flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
Husband: How did the toaster break?
Me: I have no idea. I only dropped it once.