If anyone ever saw me trying to zip up my jacket I’m pretty sure they’d make me repeat third grade.
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Me: What’s the first step of fire safety?
4-year-old: Stay away from dragons.
Me:
4:
Me: Well, obviously.
Me: I’m going to the grocery store…any suggestions?
9yo: [doesn’t look up from kindle]
7yo: I don’t care
Husband: Just get whatever[3 hrs later]
9yo: Aww, I like the other kind of rice.
7yo: Hey, why didn’t you get waffles?
Husband: *bewildered* You didn’t get granola bars?
My child saw my high school senior picture and practically screeched “MOM WHY DIDNT YOU TELL ME YOU WERE PRETTY??!!” so you guys just go ahead without me
When are they going to drug test the audience of “The Price Is Right.”? No one should be that happy.
I SCREAM
YOU SCREAM
WE ALL SCREAM BECAUSE MY WIFE IS DRIVING WITHOUT HER GLASSES ON AGAIN!!
5 year old niece to me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
Me: Let’s not rush things, OK?
at ease…shoulder.
My house looks like I’m losing a game of Jumanji.
DAUGHTER: Mom asked me to check on you and the eggnog making
ME [wrestling a screaming chicken into a blender full of milk]: GRAB ITS LEGS
See that sad girl up on the hill with tears ?
That’s not me..I’m the one over there running away from a goose with a corn dog in my hand.
I like how the Tooth Fairy got the job, and then subbed it out to everyone’s parents. That’s called “business savvy.”
Proofreading this book couldn’t have been that hard?!
You don’t need to put “liquid” in front of “diarrhea”. We get it.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
My cat was bitten by a squirrel and I have to suck the rabies out before she slips into a double cheese burger.
–how I cancel dates
That awkward moment when twins realize that one of them was not planned
My kids sure do make a lot of plans for being people who don’t know how to drive themselves anywhere.
Nothing says “I enjoyed the taste of paste, fingerpaint, and crayons in first grade” more than a potato chip bag opened from the bottom.
*sniffs date’s hair*
[later on in ambulance]
“no, it’s my fault for not mentioning I’m allergic to japanese cherry blossoms”
Sure Italian food is expensive but I think it’s worth every penne
*checks real estate listings on other planets*
My son asked for help with his math homework as we pulled into the school parking lot.
Then I laughed & laughed & told him to get out.
This needs to be over soon because my husband is starting to realize I’m not out of his league.
Friend: “Send me that picture we took last night, we probably look so good!”
The picture:
[Biblical Times]
God: oh shit
Angel: what?
God: I just realized I’ve been leaning on the frog button
Straight friend: Will you sensitivity read my book for my lesbian best friend character?
Me, two weeks later: The lesbian best friend is absolutely perfect. Here’s 16 pages of notes detailing the incorrect things you said about Star Trek.
The easiest way to find out if a movie is on Netflix is to simply ask yourself “do I want to see it?” If you do, it’s not on Netflix.
Batman: my parents died when I was young leaving me alone with my butler Alfred an-
group leader: oh my god it’s Bruce Wayne
Batman: Batman: no no I’m Batwayne, I mean Bruceman
Accidentally got in the 10 items or less line with 11 items again, so I made two separate transactions so I wouldn’t piss anyone off.
homeless guy: change?
me (a werewolf): funny you should ask ….