If anyone ever saw me trying to zip up my jacket I’m pretty sure they’d make me repeat third grade.
You Might Also Like
*lights dim in restaurant*
DATE: did it just become sexier in here?
ME: I CAN’T SEE MY MENU
I think Twitter is baiting me with flattery when it says, “We’ve selected a small group for feedback.”
It would be magical for babies and toddlers to fly with animals. In that part of the plane.
If you didn’t wanna hear “Baby smell is biology preventing the mom from eating it,” you shouldn’t have invited me to the baby shower, Carol!
A cartoon bear needs me to prevent forest fires, Becky. That’s why I can’t go to your stupid wedding.
A family of crows flying into a windmill is a murder suicide
I’m just eating cereal out of a bucket now, like a horse
Winnie the Pooh: will u marry me?
Piglet: for the last time, u don’t get a literal “honey” moon
Pooh: pls say yes I need to see for myself
My opponent would have you believe I wear a tinfoil hat to block government mindreaders. I wear it to pretend I am from space. No questions
if u propose to your partner at my wedding i am shooting you with a gun
I’ve opened a gym called Resolutions. It has exercise equipment for the first 2 weeks of each year, then becomes a bar for the remaining 50.
I reached for my bagel at a weird angle and now I need a chiropractor.
Tip for lower back pain: injure your neck to take your mind off it.
[ten seconds into tv interview where my identity is being protected]
camera guy: don’t try to disguise your own voice, let the machine do it
Employees must applaud the planets.
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
Just peed so much that a little laugh came out.
batman: I protect the innocent, the helpless, the people with no one left to save them
alfred: right
batman: also need you to make another costume, I adopted an angsty orphan and wanna send him to fight an insane clown
Interviewer: How many words can you type a minute?
Me: Given a full minute I could probably type any word
If I had a dime for every time my kids called mom I could buy my own island but my kids would still find me.
[car accident]
Other driver: YOU TURNED INTO ME!
Me: *looking at hands* like Freaky Friday?
i can’t wait to hit my 80s & run for Congress
If someone tells you they don’t like some particular word, do not torment them with it. To do so is totally moist.
If you’re ever worried about what people think, just remember that people once thought smoking cured asthma. People are dumb.
I read all tweets with poor grammar and word choice in a Cookie Monster voice.
When someone says they haven’t seen the end of a show yet, you’re obligated to tell them You know everyone dies, right?
My Dad absolutely hated it when I left lights on in a room:
Him *flipping switch*
Up means on and down means off…OFF. See how neat that is?Me: And this is something that’s important to you?
He didn’t seem to be fond of smartass comments either.
Your time is priceless, here’s an hourly rate
Twitter is where you ask an actual question for help & get nothing but stars yet you tell a joke with a question mark & everybody answers.
I babysat for the first time and it was just non-stop screaming. Next time I’ll look before I lie down on the couch.