So last night me and my husband went to a bar for our one month anniversary and did a lil sexy role play as strangers on a first date.
Later a woman pulled me aside in the bathroom to say “sorry but I was watching… It is so funny how much you hate that guy and he has no idea.”
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My husband just told me the scariest thing that a husband should never tell his wife. “I think I’m getting sick.”
Me: Wanna go for a wa—
Dog: [has already brought me leash, phone, travel water bowl, passport]
My boyfriend is watching Glee voluntarily and tapping his foot and smiling. That makes me a lesbian now, right?
*inhales helium from balloon*
I think we should see other people.
Raccoons are riding wild hogs into battle against the possums. I guarantee you the media will be completely silent about it.
*listening to the neighbor’s kids screaming outside*
“I know right it’s terrifying GET INSIDE!”
If I could be a superhero, I’d be Aluminum Man. My superpower would be foiling crime.
People are like, “How cute! Your dog looks just like you!” I’m like, “That’s my son.”
I told my therapist that I was suffering from affluenza.
He diagnosed me with delusions of grandeur!
#jokes
Judge: I need you to digitize all of my case resolutions and then make backups, on a remote server.
Law clerk: You want me to cloud your judgements?
J: You’re in contempt.
Why do they call it “book club” and not “no one had time to read it but we’re still gonna get together and drink club”
3: Can I be Cinderella?
Me: Sure, you can help me mop the floors, scrub the toilets and the dishes need to be put away.
3:
Me: Well?
3: Can I be Sleeping Beauty?
<gets on elevator >
Pushes all the buttons
Hugs everyone
Prays out loud that we’re not going to die
Gets off at the 2nd floor
Laughs
I have a hard time believing the inventor of Rock, Paper, Scissors was like “OMG this is so much fun!”
I packed workout clothes and nutritious snacks for a vacation and my suitcase can’t stop laughing
*finishes a project in 20 minutes that was supposed to take 40 minutes*
*celebrates by screwing around online for 4 hours*
My back hurts too much to lean over anymore, going to have to resort to picking things up with a deep curtsy.
Of course I’m not going to use my cat’s real name. Lord knows what all these internet perverts would do with that information.
After my second “oh shit that’s crazy” it’s time to wrap up your story.
Catapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects
Dogapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects, fetching them, bringing them back, and hurling them again
Hi, welcome to dating. These are your two options:
1. Stay together forever
2. Break upNo pressure.
Keep me in your thoughts. My wife is unloading the dryer and I can’t find a corn bread muffin I had earlier. Pretty sure I left it in one of those pockets.
[First day as pig farmer]
Me: *hosing blood off of the plow* something about this doesn’t feel right
Executive Vice President of Coca-Cola: “we refresh the world.” So modest. We all know it’s more than that. It also removes rust from chrome bumpers.
three old people next to me at this coffee shop hanging out and catching up. one of them says “your daughter is doing well? has her ducks all in a row?” and the other says “welllll there’s a few geese in there” and all three of them laughed until they cried. gasping for air.
The two types of wives
If you rub chop sticks together its a sign of disrespect but if you use them to play a bitching drum solo much honor will come your way
Earth is huge. There must be like 9 or 10 different countries on this thing.
BREAKING NEWS
Justin Bieber said… And I quote, “Only God can Judge me!”
THIS JUST IN
…Apparently I’m God.
coworker: hey grant
me: [stands up]
cw: u know what I hate about this job
me: [walks out of office]
cw: [follows me] u know what I hate
me: [takes elevator to top floor]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [climbs ladder to rooftop]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [jumps]