If anyone finds a twenty dollar bill, it’s mine.
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guys please don’t talk about the healthcare vote I’ve got it tivoed
Unfortunately, Superman won’t be able to fight Dracula this evening…
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He won’t go near the crypt tonight.
Him: The smell of marinara reminds me of my grandma
Me: That’s cause your nose is connected to the limbic system of your brain where emotions are processed! Your olfactory nerve gettin all up in your amygdala and jumpin on good memories
Waiter: Ma’am please return to your table
Get married so when you pour your heart out, someone is always there to say, ‘what?’
We keep a potato masher in a drawer because sometimes it’s fun to not be able to open that drawer.
*Runs fingers over Braille calendar*
Is this a date? It feels like a date.
I tried to explain Twitter to my Mom and she said, “Sounds like group therapy where no one ever gets better”.
taking a hotdog out of the microwave and checking it with a meat thermometer then frowning and putting it back in
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing baby tiger?
me filling a big bowl with frosted flakes: no idea.
Mechanic *looks up* Wow, you have a lot of problems, so much is wrong
Me: I know!
Mechanic: Your car’s fine though
Me: ok cool
Beware of fowl play.
[Carpool]
Me: Look, it’s a long commute and I only have time to eat in the car
Co-worker: But I can’t see the road over your fajita station
Me: *chewing* Sounds like a you problem
2020: Soooo, you’re feeling pretty good today, huh? Enjoying some down time?
Me: Yeeeaaahhh….why?
2020: How’s your back?
Me: Damn it!
2020: *teehee*
beware of dog
(jukin media)
Sorry, but your kids don’t look adorable when they lose their teeth, they look like tiny homeless people.
“omg you’re covered in blood! are you ok?”
[cut to me blending a tomato but I cant get the lid on properly]
you should see the other guy
Me: 4, watch this! *eats hard boiled egg in one bite*
4, unamused: Now do it with the shell on.
trainer: what’s your fitness goals?
me: to be able to run to the door for my pizza delivery without feeling like I’m dying.
GOOGLE USER: What are symptoms of skin cancer
GOOGLE: 20% off best skin cancer now
“I’m in international waters, your damn laws can’t touch me” I scream to the police as I dog paddle naked in my neighbors swimming pool.
In honor of the birthday of Noriyuki ‘Pat’ Morita, today I shall find a kid getting bullied and teach him Karate by having him fix my car and house.
Guys that squirrel is on my patio in the dark dragging his little hand across his throat shit what do I do
Palm trees are beautiful but you wouldn’t want one on your team in a rap battle, they’re absolutely useless at throwing shade.
All firemen must dread the moment when they’re done for the day and have to find the strength to climb back up the pole.
Eating my way out of the ball pit.
me: *knows girls like nerds* I read a lot
date: what kind of books?
me: *knows girls also like jocks* heavy ones
If our children don’t learn cursive, how will they ever be able to read those inspirational tattoos people put on their ribs?
Is 4 too young to release your kid out into the wild?
[drinking third bottle of smart water] when does this kick in
[work email]
Me: Can I meat the new guy?
Boss: Meet? Okay, sure…
Me: Great!*hides bag of steaks*