“If anyone has a reason why these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace”
(from the back)
He saw Creed live in 2003
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[me narrating a documentary about the pyramids]
I really want a Toblerone for some reason.
Tellingly, right before she died, my grandma’s final purchase at Bed, Bath & Beyond was “Curtains.”
eating mac and cheese in 64 bites is called mine kraft
If your name got called on The Price is Right, it’d be fun to scream, jump up and down, and then run full speed out of the studio
QUESTION: What were the very first straws made of? ANSWER: Straw.
If I owned a bar, the only food I’d serve would be warm buns and it would have a dance floor. I would name it Abundance.
I am so sorry.
Listerine, for when you feel like killing all 10,000 taste buds at once.
Sometimes I feel like my dog is deeply disappointed in my lack of concern about the potential dangers of allowing our neighbors walk by our house
What is wrong with Riverdale that ARCHIE was the best option?
Telling a mother her baby is cute is like giving your compliments to the chef
I want to run my fingers through your spaghetti.
Hair. I mean hair. Sorry, I’m starving.
How do stick men play fetch with their dog?
Walked into the bathroom and it sounded like someone was powerlifting in one of the stalls. That, or an exorcism.
JOB INTERVIEWER: it says here ur a postmodern deconstructivist…?
ME: did ur parents realy name u ‘Job’? especialy with a last name like urs?
Wife: you’ve hardly touched your dinner…talk to me.
Me: *sigh* I can’t keep teaching zoology, Susan. I’m so tired of answering stupid questions.
Waiter: how does the chicken taste?
Me: WITH ITS TONGUE
Between the potato masher and the apple slicer, it’s a wonder my kitchen drawer opens.
Correction: It doesn’t.
Me: let’s take those jeans!
Her: idk, that’s stealing
Me: *stuffing the jeans into my backpack* we’ll just walk out with them… no one will notice
Arby’s patron whose jeans I just pulled off: I’ve already noticed
[reclining with sliced cucumber on my eyes]
My passengers: “Aaaaaaaaaaah!”
I missed being a teacher yesterday so I let my coffee go cold, didn’t pee for 7 hours and stood in my living room repeating myself.
Hey ladies, if you want a free pelvic exam, I suggest you try the old “gyne and dash.”
[band comes out for encore] DO YOU WANNA HEAR ONE MORE
crowd: YAAAAAHHHH
me: GETTING KINDA LATE GUYS
Sent my husband to work with leftovers from dinner last night. His co-workers are going to be so jealous of his bowl of cereal.
YO TWITTER PLEASE PLEASE HELP ME OUT. THIS IS MY DREAM AND WOULD BE BEYOND BLESSED IF YALL CAN HELP A DUDE OUT. RETWEET!!!
According to the law it’s not appropriate to put a bounty on my boss. I actually thought it showed great initiative and leadership.
My goal is to have this whole hand washing thing mastered before they decide to remove the instructions.
Oh god I decided to look cute instead of wearing stretchy clothes and now I’m being bisected by the waistband of my pants and I have such regrets
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
bartender: the usual?
me: you know it
bartender: [throws me thru window]
Na Fa Fo Na Na Fo Fo -Sassy black girl giving me her digits.
Queen Elizabeth dresses like she’s about to go to prom with Steve Harvey