If anyone has a solid 3 hours on their hands, my 6 year old has a story about Pikachu he’ll tell to anyone who is willing to listen.
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Pizza Hut is going gluten free so while you are dying from a heart attack you can atleast not have gas problems
Today’s PSA:
No one can “get your goat” if you don’t let your goat get got.-You’re welcome
ME: *hands my boss my first crime scene photos*
BOSS: *hands them back* do them again without the Snapchat filters
[HONK HONK]
…one more honk and I’m gonna…
[HONK]
*gets out of my car*
*walks to the car behind me*
*feeds the driver’s goose some bread*
If you see me out in public but we haven’t spoken since high school let’s keep it that way.
writing an email takes 5 hours. 4 hours and 55 minutes to avoid and stress and obsess about it and 5 minutes to write it
Days without shaking my head disapprovingly at myself: 0
*Hands out tests*
“Remember, there’s no prize for finishing first,” I lie.
friend: “ok, when does a joke become a ‘dad joke’?”
me, with no hesitation: “when it becomes apparent”
M: Twitter has helped me tremendously as a writer, as it demands tightness and brevity.
Friend: What do you write?
M: Oh, only tweets now.
It’s so rude how many of you have the audacity to be out peopling around whenever I go somewhere
I nervously pace around outside hospital delivery rooms so people think I’ve had sex.
Don’t forget to get your Valentine’s Day shopping done before Pete Davidson buys everything up.
Cop: License?
Me: Here.
Cop: Sir this is a notecard with “Liscence” on it. And above that you wrote and crossed out “Lysense” and “Lisance.”
My neighbor just walked by carrying some pots for planting & I said “Looks like you won the pottery lottery!” Now everyone is mad at me.
My favorite part of cleaning, cooking, laundry, school lines, sports practices, games, sleep regression and back and forth to appointments with my kids is when someone says how lucky I am not to work
“I was so high that I cried because I realized that snakes are just tails with faces”
someone just broke into my house and inhaled all my air guitars
Even when I change my mind, it still doesn’t work any better.😁
My little brother tried his first edible and is currently writing the worst statuses ever
I know there’s this whole “Gen-Z vs Millennials” thing going on but I’m excited to see what my kids roll their eyes at when I get old.
Like I’m just imagining my daughter like “God, Mom, you still use menstrual cups? Just think your period into the cloud like everyone else.”
Her: I bet you forgot it.
Him: I have a photographic memory.
[shakes violently]Her: ?
Him: Sorry, it’s a Polaroid. Is it Becky?
Her: NO
when im having a bad day i remember a time i walked into a public bathroom&turned the lights on&heard a guy in the last stall say”thank god”
They should use the good cop/bad cop tactic with more occupations, like good proctologist/bad proctologist.
*puts spider in the ocean*
“Now go free and flourish into an octopus.”
*cuts girl in half & puts in ocean*
“Mermaid probably.”
[5 hours into assembling a new bed for my kid] you’ll get used to sleeping on the floor in no time at all
Lifehack: Save your gently used pistachio shells to throw at weddings in lieu of expensive rice!
Push me aside, but I will come back. Hide me, but I will always emerge.
I AM POWER.
I AM RESILIENCE.
I AM A BRA STRAP.
i woke up at 3:48 from a weird dream i wanted to rememember. tried to text myself sketchy details. accidentally sent them to a number one off from mine. help
I believe it was Gandhi who said “never create passwords for apps when you’re shitfaced”