“If anyone has any objections, speak now or-
SHES LITERALLY A BANANA
Groom: IS THIS TRUE EMMA?
Best man: I f’kin KNEW she bruised too easily
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I don’t get marriage
A beautiful summer day, the knee hairs I missed the last 4 times shaving my legs blowing in the breeze from the car’s a/c vent.
I’m reexamining my life after buying 63 pounds of unsalted butter because it seems a little weird even by my standards
Just saw somebody leaving the dispensary in a U-Haul truck. Leave some for the rest of us, cmon
‘Stealing someone’s coffee is called mugging.’
Why run with scissors when you can run with bananas which are far less dangerous and also tasty snacks.
Wife: What do you think our song is?
Me: I’d have to say “Happy Birthday”. It’s the song we’ve sung together the most.
Wife: Idiot…
I still haven’t used my new mace, this apocalypse is bullshit!
What idiot called it a picnic and not a blanquet?
“Every action has an equal and opposite reaction.”
– Isaac Newton, observing me on a date
For Sale: Wedding Suit, worn only once by mistake..
After a long journey Frodo and Sam arrive to return the One Ring to the fires of Mt. Doom
Frodo: Dude dont be mad, but I forgot the receipt
Teens running from a party after the cops get called invented parkour
Them: life is so unfair sometimes
Me, thinking of how I’ve never been befriended by a wild animal: yeah it really is
GOD [creating humans] make them intelligent, sophisticated and rational
ANGEL: ok cool
GOD: but if they get told a plate is hot, they have to touch it lol
[First Date]
I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
*shoves a whole brisket in my maw like a bear going into hibernation*
Cinco de Mayo means five of mayonnaise in Spanish.
Officer i swear I’ve only had 2 dog beers (14 beers)
Hagrid: you’re a gizzard Harry
Harry: i’m a what
Hagrid: a blizzard
Harry: a what
Hagrid: a scissors
Harry: what
Hagrid [in tears, trying so hard]: a squidward
I’m not convinced that Trader Joe’s is actually inspired by a trader named Joe, and isn’t about someone trading exclusively in guys named Joe
*signing divorce papers*
Client, “Thank God that’s over.”
Me, “Yes, divorce is stressful.”
Client, “No. The process was fine. I’m just glad the marriage is over.”
Me, “I’m glad you aren’t crying. Here’s your bill.”
Client *bursts into tears*
Yes liquor stores are essential businesses, today it was essential that I get port to go with my cigars.
There is a huge body of evidence to support the notion that me and the police were put on this earth to do extremely different things.
I hate it when I’m digging my own grave at gunpoint and I discover buried treasure.
[Court]
ME: You expect us to believe your alibi — that everybody’d gone surfin’? Surfin’ USA?
BEACH BOYS: *sweating* Y-yeah
ME: Then how do you explain this?! *I hold up a picture showing that everybody was kung-fu fighting*
Just the best dancing sandwiches.
My talents are so hidden that I can’t even find them
UK English: colour, realise, marvellous
US English: color, realize, marvelous
Canadian English: All of the above are correct. We will use both in the same article and its useless to try and stop us, spellcheck softwares.
Going to put a sensor in the kitchen sink so whenever someone puts something in there a recording of my voice will shout DISHWASHER!
*Answers door naked*
Jehovah’s Witnesses… 😲
Me: Do you have a moment to let me tell you about my sex life? Here, have this pamphlet.