@ComedyCentral: "If anyone has any reason Kim & Kanye should not be married, speak now or forever hold your peace." -Taylor Swift's moment of revenge
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@elle91: "I'm going to make a great mother one day" I whisper to myself as I catch my burrito mid-fall and only a single bean spills out
@UncleDuke1969: "I'm not angry, just disappointed. You need to try harder. This is important! Do I make myself clear?" "Sorry, sir. Here's your ketchup."
@Sassafrantz: [crime scene] photographer: I'm done unless you want another angle or something. detective: let's do a jumping one!
@bobvulfov: why are bouquets only for flowers? why not a bouquet of hot dogs. or a bouquet of hot dogs with ketchup. or a bouquet of hot dogs with musta