If anyone is living vicariously through me, you just bought yourself Flintstones chewable vitamins.
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It’s difficult to do a sassy walk away when you’ve tied your shoelaces together
I know this now
Me: did you actually brush your teeth?
11: yes
Me:
11: I did!
Me:
11: just maybe not all of them
When a copywriter is asked to make a headline “punchier,” that’s both a description of what the requester wants and how they make us feel.
[jungle]
Detective: I’d like to ask you some questions about a recent jewel heist.
Ring-tailed lemur: This is profiling.
Earth Day…
…another made up holiday by Big Galaxy just to sell more planets!
me: *gets vaccinated*
friend: now u can come to my wedd-
me: *gets unvaccinated*
My kid just asked me to help with her art project and I said “aw, why did you choose me?” and she said “because you suck at math”
You can have a good day with your teen or you can ask them to dress warm, you cannot have both
I’d go for a jog but it’s too [insert current weather].
[gets down on 1 knee]
Babe will you–
“Yeah… Here it is”
[she lends me her phone charger]
Thanks
This is what happens when an AP style journalist marries an English major and the English major edits the wedding website copy
Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.
[6 month dentist visit]
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Every 6 months
When a band has Z’s where S’s should be in their name, I’m like, “Woah, watch out! These bad boys aren’t playing by society’s rules.”
I just ran 4.1 Kms and realized you can write anything you want after that and no one will read it purple monkey dishwasher.
P Diddy or P Didn’t he?
my name if I was in the mob
The automatic toilet flusher is taking away your rights!
Them: but, if you’re both men, who’s “the lady” in the relationship?
Me: Mariah Carey.
Just got a Life Alert bracelet. Now, if I get a life, I’ll immediately be alerted…
Honestly, Officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over had I known you were just going to criticize me
Every vote counts! Unless you forget to post your I voted sticker on Facebook, those ballots get thrown into an incinerator.
The trend of high school girls dressing as Steve Harvey and doing that “SIT ON IT” clip is SENDING MEEE
for my next trick i will fall asleep 15 minutes into the movie i begged us to watch
I get why polyamory is so popular in California. It takes 3 incomes to survive and 4 to have nice things.
told my girl I was going to a wine tasting, now she’s coming and I was just gonna eat a dead bird and some expired cat food behind a Costco
*ring ring* Hello?
“If u want to see ur son again give me $500,000”
OH GOD PLEASE DONT HURT HIM
“I won’t if u-”
Haha gotcha, leave a message
TV and movies would have you believe that there are way more people crawling around in ventilation ducts than there actually are.
I was disappointed he didn’t mean the UK when he said he’d take me to pound town.