@hellosarawren: If anyone is thinking of fighting me, just know I cook bacon topless.
YOU MIGHT ALSO LIKE
@TheToddWilliams: Man: You've been very loyal but it's best we part ways Dog: I don't understand. What's the problem? Man: Your talking kinda freaks me out.
@BrettDruck: Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn't work because the dog just goes "Cool, now we're both barking!"
@notacroc: WIFE: get down here! ME: *from telephone wire* I'm with my friends WIFE: why are u wearing fake wings? ME: *to bird next to me* they're real
@C00LpenNAME: 12yo daughter: *SCREAMS* Me: WHAT?! 12yo: A spider! Me: It’s just a spider 12yo: I don’t want it to bite me! Me: You’ll never be a super hero w/that attitude