If anyone is thinking of fighting me, just know I cook bacon topless.
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My parents decided to test their marriage by going to IKEA today
“So you’re a foodie? What’s a foodie?”
“We enjoy eating out and trying new food.”
“So you’re like everyone else, except you brag about it?”
what if mayonnaise was like peanut butter and either creamy or crunchy
Wife: can u pick the kids up from school?
Me blowing on the coffee in my ‘Worlds Best Dad Quarter Finalist’ mug: which school do they go to?
Old cordless phones, for when you really need to be on the phone, but also need to sword fight the cat.
Skynet: Send a Terminator to 1984.
[5 minutes later]
Skynet: Okay, nothing changed. Send the way better liquid terminator to 1991.
In 2058 the selfies became self aware and choose their own filters.
Nice try “Enjoy By” date on bag of broccoli, nice try.
Look, I’m not saying he’s a bad dentist. I’m just saying maybe you should check his references.
Never go to sleep after making me angry
To the person who got hold of my voodoo doll.
Stop feeding it!
#Fitness #Diet #RubbishJokes
#SaturdayMorning
British Friend: Bloody hell its 39°; peas are in the pot innit
Me: *no idea what that means* haha same
What level of petty is it when your father won’t let you watch Wheel of Fortune with him because you solve the puzzles before he does?
Pilot, to passengers: Bit of a…uhhhh…problem on the flight deck…ahhhh…anyone know how much the average woodchuck might be able to…uhhhh…chuck?
Guy who loves tongue twisters: *whispering* It’s my time…
*completely destroys wrapping paper by trying to swiftly glide the scissors to cut it*
Some of you won’t be ready for pumpkin spice in 2 months and it shows.
Let’s settle this like men… men with bad judgment & unlimited water balloons
My kids baked a cake and now I have to eat it all tonight because it’d be unhealthy for them to eat it for breakfast tomorrow
Damn girl, are you chocolate? Because I love you but you killed my dog.
Look out. The Guest Who Wants to Help in the Kitchen has arrived. She is me and she does nothing well.
A city girl was bequeathed an inn, but it’s all run down and doesn’t have any water and the only person in town for the holidays is the ruggedly handsome guy who just lost his wife
Raising Twins
Twin 1: *looking at an old photo album* Is this me?
Me: I literally have no idea.
Kidnappers: We have your husband. Send us $10,000 if you ever want to see him again.
Me: Where I should drop off his clothes?
My son said that he was bored so I told him he could vacuum, dust or clean the kitchen & Oh! Look at that!
He’s nowhere to be found.
Don’t worry. Your secret is safe with me, I won’t say a word about your “wenital werpes” *winks*
Her: Dude all your selfies look the same.
Me: That’s because it’s me in all of them.
“Are we there yet?”
“ Ha ha! Yes, kids. We’ve been here the whole time! We live in this car now.”
You’re a dog person? *Throws a stick* Well? Aren’t you going to run after it or are you cool with being a normal human that’s also a liar?
My 3 yr old nephew: I learned numbers at school today.
Me: Cool, tell me a number you learned.
3: P & H
Me: this new math is challenging
Ad: Buy junk food.
Me: OK.Ad: Buy alcohol.
Me: OK.Ad: Work out.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.