“If anyone knows a reason why these two should not marry, speak n-”
SHE ONCE COMMENTED ‘FIRST’ ON A YOUTUBE VIDEO
*ring bearer vomits*
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I could never be a therapist because I can’t hear a single piece of gossip without asking for a picture of the person
send me a picture of a beloved item in your home
please include your address if the item is expensive and easy to carry
Don’t eat yellow snow. Red snow, on the other hand, is debatable. Could be horrible, could be cherry.
[Sporting goods store]
Me: *buying skis* No need for a bag my good man. I’ll be wearing them out
Eaten so many blue cheese stuffed olives today that it feels like France and Greece are waging a war for land in my intestines.
My boss said “dress for the job you want, not for the job you have”
Now I am sitting in a disciplinary meeting in my Wonder Woman costume.
No One Puts Baby in the Corner: A Feng Shui Guide to Nurseries
OPEN UP. THIS IS THE POLICE. THANK YOU. CAN WE USE YOUR BATHROOM
Gentle reminder that Thanos won 14,000,605 alternate times in end game but the one time he lost they made a movie about it
If you want to look mysterious I would suggest painting your cornea with a sharpie. Always works for me.
Me, to 10yo: The first step in doing your math homework is *starts crying*
FRIEND: Did you hear there is some guy on the loose stealing puppies?
ME: That’s terrible!
*my backpack starts barking*
Pretty excited about making a huge Thanksgiving feast so my daughter can eat a roll.
Remember: If you don’t post a first-day-of-school picture of each child on Facebook, the state will come and take your kids away.
[tries to take a selfie]
Phone: NOT ENOUGH SPACE.
[deletes a bunch of photos]
Phone: still tho… don’t.
Guys! I finally dusted my bedroom! And guess what? I HAVE A NIGHTSTAND!!!
I hate when boxing announcers say a boxer is “down for the count.” I don’t care that he loves Dracula I just want to know who’s winning.
I trained my dog to shake for a treat and now he works the room like the groom at his reception.
Kids today are so spoiled with their yummy gummy vitamins. It’s nothing like when I was a kid and we had to chew on orange-flavored chalk.
I’m beginning to think some of you are not your Avi’s, which makes me sad. I thought I had a unicorn and dinosaur friend.
Our wifi is down and I had to fap using only my imagination like some kind of savage 🙁
During the course of some 36 films, did it ever occur to anyone that maybe Godzilla deserves a “good boy” once in a while?
ME: what is an IV for
ROMAN: yes
I don’t know if this would be classified as “unethical” but I have filled my neighbour’s eavestroughs with birdseed.
My son just complained about how far the guy in his video game has to walk.
We take our lazy seriously around here.
Me: *giggling* No, you hang up
Cop: Other prisoners need to make their calls
Why is it no matter how bad you rack yourself physically ppl invariably ask “Are you ok?”
Sure I am. Why I was just thinking this morning my hair would look so much better if it had matted blood in it.
New rule: no video games before the time you’d normallly get home from school. That’s going to work with the 17 year old, right?
Me: I just got let go from my security guard job at the prison.
Friend: Well, they say when one door closes, another one opens.
Me: I’M AWARE OF WHY I WAS FIRED, DOUG!