“If anyone knows a reason why these two should not marry, speak n-”
SHE ONCE COMMENTED ‘FIRST’ ON A YOUTUBE VIDEO
*ring bearer vomits*
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When someone at work asks you what you’re doing this weekend, just pull a lettuce leaf out of your pocket and slowly start licking it.
It should be illegal for your kids to change their favorite color without giving you a 30 day notice
[movie theater]
*reaches into wife’s purse*
*pulls out lasagna*
me: Told you it’d work
ME: I could use an espresso to sober up a bit, do you want anything from this Starbucks?
DRIVING TEST INSTRUCTOR: no
When I was a boy we had to invent snow before we could walk 15 miles through it to get to school.
My favorite thing on Twitter is when two astrologers fight about who’s right.
That first coffee be like oh you’re awake HA just kidding.
Me: I cleaned under the fridge and there were a bunch of Honey Nut Cheerios
Wife: How do you know they weren’t regular Cheerios???
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: *drinks water*
Well my name’s Harry Potter and I’m here to say
That half of my movies looked wet and gray
inventor of the sauna: it’s a box and it makes you want to die of heat and dehydration, like microdosing dying in a desert
There are 2 kinds of people in the world. Those who say head east for 3.5 miles, go north a mile, you’ll see it on the northwest corner. Then those who say go down to the Taco Bell, turn right, go straight past Bob’s funeral home, you’ll see an ancient live oak tree, turn there.
me: [struggling to take off a sports bra]
other lady in the locker room: I CAN DO IT MYSELF
The 4 Major Types of Twitter DMs:
Sup
Hello dear
Thanks for the follow!
Would you rather die at the hands of a koala or kangaroo?
Why do I always say yes to the receipt at the gas pump? Am I afraid I’m gonna be asked to prove I paid for it?
My birthstone is a marshmallow
Why does the crematorium sound so delicious?
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
Anyone with really healthy kidneys interested in a tweet up?
Scorpio: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: Did you read the class description wrong?
Me: No, why do you ask?
The parrot on my shoulder: No, why do you ask?
*sharing a box of cereal with the cat*
Me: Frosted Lucky Charms
Cat: They’re magically deliciOH, uh MEOW
If you’re not going to learn the language of the country you’re visiting, at least take interpretive dance lessons.
Firefighters should carry around water pistols like cops carry guns.
Maybe don’t show me a picture if you don’t want me to rate your baby.
How’s the parenting going over here?
My youngest just told my oldest to “GET IN THE DAMN CAR!”
someone is trying to tell me about a time when 50,000 people would get together in one place just to watch a baseball game.
Sounds fake. nice try, I wasn’t born yesterday.
Turns out I wasn’t in narnia, I was in my dishwasher high on bath salts
Me: how long are you gonna sit there picking your nose? I tried to be polite but this is absurd
Potato Head: I want to look good on my date
Obvious red flags:
*he’s jealous of any and all carbs you eat, especially the breakfast kind
*he keeps pictures of celebrities in his wallet so he can mock their eyebrows
*he tries to control how you play with his dog, insisting she’s a level 10 necromancer
Throw the donuts in a food dehydrator so you can fit more in your wallet.