Me: “Your baby looks just like you.”
-“Thank you!”
Me: “Funny you took that as a compliment but ok.”
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[holstering a comically oversized mallet]
I’m a firm believer in the healing power of cartoon violence.
I got up early to start the Lentil soup in the crockpot, and I realized I don’t have tomato paste, and now my Italian ancestors are cursing me (in Italian) from their graves. I’m pretty sure I just felt a wooden spoon hit my bottom.
Bad enough that literally no one showed up for my Super Bowl party today, but now I can’t even find the game on tv to watch.
A flock of dads is called a grill.
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to bed so early?
Me: Because we have had enough of you for today
The bar sign said
“WiFi password since1938”
And I was like wow that’s been your password for a long time
I asked my wife if she thought alligators could get aids and she showed me all these studies on how their blood can be used to fight autoimmune diseases and then I didn’t have the heart to tell her I was just trying to make a Gatorade joke.
who called them sea lions and not soggy doggies
I told the 8 year old that Taylor Swift is apparently dating a football player and she goes “oh man, she’s gonna write a breakup song about how he was just playing games”
DENTIST: You were very brave. Do you want something from the toy bucket?
ME: No thank you.
My family is getting a crash course in watching me perform musicals all day, which is not something they knew I did, and my 10 year old feels vindicated because she always SENSED that I was deeply embarrassing, but didn’t know why until now.
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do u have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“Uh no.”
Always proofread your tweets before hitting send. I now that know
I dated a 21 year old for 3 months before she looked up from her phone and realized I wasn’t Tobey Maguire
Vampire: *getting impaled*
Please. My heart. It’s very stick..
[Funeral]
He died doing what he loved; throwing rocks at bears and saying “it’s fine, they’re way more scared of us than we are of them”
Don’t tell your friend you like her sweater unless you mean it; she might knit you one.
I want to have the kind of hope my dog has when the kids walk around eating chips.
Let’s walk and talk.
You go that way.
I partied like it was 1999 and when I woke up, I was holding a huge flip phone with an enormous roaming charge.
[Christmas]
ME: You know how you wanted that new keurig?
HER: YES!? {rips open present} IT’S IT’S- just a cup of coffee?
ME: {whispering in her ear} From a keuriiiiiig.
acceptable thing to do with cpr dummy: learn how to save a life
unacceptable thing to do with a cpr dummy: learn how to create a life
Your dog is hyper if he skips his afternoon walk.? Oh please. You should see my raccoon after a can of Mountain Dew.
CASHIER: would you like to donate one dollar to charity?
ME: no thank you
SATAN (sitting on a throne made of human skulls): excellent choice
My son said that he was bored so I told him he could vacuum, dust or clean the kitchen & Oh! Look at that!
He’s nowhere to be found.
The easiest way to woo a girl is show up to her door with a loaf of garlic bread
4-year-old: My friend said when it rains, that’s God crying.
Me: I don’t know about that.
4: Is God sad because you smell like feet?
My favorite way to eat eggs is inside chocolate cake mix.
Screaming “YOU CANT OUTRUN THIS WE ARE ALL DOOMED!” at passing joggers from my window today