If anyone needs like five things 25% done and no things 100% done, just let me know.
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Help me practice my knife throwing skills.
You catch.
Her: I like dangerous sex, like in a moving car!
Me: Have you ever had an accident?
Her: No, I’m on the pill.
Me: (Sigh)
I do not envy the youth. Imagine starting college in the year 2022: you’re totally pumped, can’t wait for the best 4 years of your life, and then you find out….your roommate is really into crypto.
Kids: We’re hungry!
Me: You’re in luck. I have just the thing.
The thing:
[Commercial for Legos]
Have you ever cursed in front of your kids? Want to?
“So, which burner is your favorite? Mine is usually the back left.” -Me, trying to make friends in my 30’s
Sometimes I’ll be staring at my phone for a few minutes and be like “what was it I was doing” then I’ll be like “oh yeah I’m driving a car”
Signed, sealed, delivered.
Me: Wrong address.
My 5-year-old found two pennies and shared one with her sister.
I grounded them both because I’m not raising any communists.
me: why’d you pull me over?
cop: I think you know why
me: it’s my eyes isn’t it
cop: …
me: *sigh* they’re hazel
cop: so mysterious
“How’s your core?” bro I’m not an apple.
Have we established if Joe has a legitimate medical condition with this “cotton eye”?Are we dancing our asses off to diseases,like assholes?
Me: ‘Anyway, I think the songs here are just kinda made up and pretty terrible.’
Priest: ‘This isn’t how confession works.’
Cyber Monday but instead of buying more stuff, I get rid of it by putting it in Amazon boxes on my porch and let it get stolen
some tweets get big favs but no RTs. why? [camera pans to dog in lab coat high up on a distant ledge. we’re too far away to hear his answer]
Asking your child to go get their sibling for dinner is just asking them to stand next to you and scream their sibling’s name.
Buffalo Wild Wings: Did you order ahead?
Me: No it was just wings.
I hate hipsters. Their smug faces, vegan diet, tiny feet & sawdust bedding. No wait. Hamsters. I hate hamsters.
the three genders
ME: don’t involve me in your bullshit
SON: it’s called homework
I don’t lock my car doors, so if someone wants to steal my egg mcmuffin wrappers, Sonic happy hour cups and 47 cents, they’re welcome to it.
It’s never a cool story. It’s always, “how did you hurt your knee?” I don’t know. “Well, what were you doing? “ Walking.
“I’m scared of thunder and vacuums but this beehive full of killer bees looks delicious.”
– Dogs
British people never go down stairs they just jump out of a window and open an umbrella like Mary Poppins
According to math, I’m broke
Her: I like a man who’s environmentally aware
Me *pointing at the sky*: That’s a cloud
I can’t be the only one 😂
While I was driving, my 4-year-old threw a shoe and honked the car horn and has officially outdone my husband as the worst back seat driver.
Annoys me when I’m typing my reply and someone starts typing like you see those 3 bubbles and I’m just like no excuse me wait your turn thanks
No tailgaters on the truck loosely hauling porta- potties.