If anyone needs some loose IKEA parts, let me know. Also, if you’re ever at my apartment, I’d avoid sitting on or touching any of my furniture.
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You ever have your knees crack so good that you expect them to glow in the dark.
Yeah, me too.
Keanu Reeves watching a Keanu Reeves movie trying to figure out how he’s in two places at once.
God: *reading from clipboard* The snout on the elephant isn’t working so we need to replace it before release.
Angel: One step ahead of you!
God: What did you do?!
Elephant: Quack
My favorite type of Facebook marketplace sales are “people who gradually realize its impossible to get rid of a piano”
Rather than changing the clock on your oven simply cook your food an hour ago.
Me: You’re going to disagree with this statement.
Wife: No I’m not.
I’ll never have the opportunity to Say Yes to the Dress, but I’ll Say Yes to the Cookie like, three times a day. Minimum.
Shout out to the spider this morning who built a web across the front door making it look as though I’m terrified of sunlight as soon as I walk out.
Police:Is there anything you can tell us about your attacker.
Me:He was much better at fighting than me.
Police:Ok is there anything else?
They say to avoid things that excite you when it’s time to sleep, but what’s more exciting than getting to sleep?
[first day as a teacher]
me: today we’re learning the alphabet
kid: that’s easy
me: no it’s A-Z idiot
You know who the biggest gaslighters are? Toddlers. Today I saw my kid dump some flour on the floor and when I told her to clean it up she said “umm, I did not do that”
FITNESS TIP: Stretching is important. Stretch out flat on your back. Stretch your eyelids over your eyes. Stretch a blanket over your body.
Me to wife: “I don’t need a grocery list, it’s only three things.”
Also me: *Forgets two of the three things and comes home with a llama*
I secretly gave our Waffle House waitress a $100 tip and my family can’t figure out why she’s crying & hugging me & trying to get in our car
I made the obviously poor decision to only eat half of my burrito and now the other half won’t stop staring at me
Jill on Facebook is trying to find a way to get cat diarrhea out of suede boots and I don’t think I’m hungry for lunch anymore. .
if you ate peanuts out of those bowls on bars in the 80’s or 90’s you’re a little gross for doing that but you’re also immune to pretty much every virus or disease ever
Fairy godmother: Remember, at midnight the spell will be broken.
Me in my 30’s: Oh no worries. I’ll be done and at home in my pajamas by 8pm.
FGM: Oh no, my dear, you have until midni—
Me: 8PM.
Kids today have no idea how easy they have it. I was forced to spend the greater part of my youth as a TV antenna.
before camouflage clothing was invented, people would just stand still and make tree noises.
Robin Thicke is what would happen if a roofie became a human and decided to make music.
Genie: What is your last wish
Me: Make me stop second-guessing myself
Genie: You sure that’s what you want?
Me: GAAAHHHH
A water balloon fight but the balloons are filled with meaty chili
Yes, I would like to see a wine list, because I don’t mispronounce enough words in my day-to-day life.
While Taylor Swift’s boyfriends were exported overseas during the Trump years, only during Joe Biden’s administration were we able to bring this job back to the United States.
My clothes aren’t wrinkled i have an iron deficiency.
ME: (throwing my car keys to the valet) Run me over real quick, chief.
hate sitting down at my favorite diner and having the waitress i’ve known for 15 years come to pour me coffee but i notice that her usually steady hand is shaking, tipping me off to a hostage situation that i will be forced to resolve with a combination of guile and violence