@eedrk: spraypainting "CHEATER" on my car to make it look like im sexually active

@robdelaney: I don’t “take” weed because weed “took” my best friend & trapeze partner Corton from me when we were 17. #ImissYouBrother #SwingWithJesus

@iwearaonesie: watching the kids play hide and seek in the park and mine just hid behind a chain link fence at least we don't have to save for college

@That_Damn_Duck: How I wear a scarf: 1. Take scarf and drape it over my shoulder 2. Find an annoying co-worker and choke them to death with it. 3. Repeat

@InternetHippo: Yesterday a girl gave me her contact info and as she was doing it she said “You won’t be weird right?” and instead of saying No (normal) or Yes (funny) I said Can you please clarify