If anyone on the street asks for directions – give directions to YOUR house. Then run home, put on music and wait for your new best friend!
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We have family pictures in 10 days. If everyone starts getting ready now we can still be late.
Our government needs REFORM, we need to make it ILLEGAL to put fake pockets on women’s clothing
Pro Tip: Make sure you wear your Fitbit on your dominant hand so you get credit every time you lift an ice cream cone to your mouth.
On my tax form I checked the single box but added “and looking”.
Dad, to brother: You’re married now. You’re officially an adult.
Dad, to sister: You’re a mother now. You’re imbued with an imparted wisdom that no other could fathom.
Dad, to me: You eat any good nachos lately?
“people online aren’t your real friends” tom hanks was best friends with a volleyball.
Friend: I’m getting married
Me: OMG, I’m so sorry. How long do you have?
Satan: welcome to hell, know why you’re here?
Me: I regularly quoted mov-
Satan: YOU REGULARLY QUOTED MOVIES YOU HADN’T SEEN, SOOO OBNOXIOUS
English would be much easier to learn if the guy who came up with the word “waterfall” was in charge of inventing all new words
held the door for 4 dudes in a row today. not one thank you, not even a hop-skip to get to the door faster. y’all are turning my into a batman-style supervillain so freaking fast
Dad: Can I administer my own anesthetic?
Surgeon: Go ahead – knock yourself out.
Friend: “This is the year I’m going to marry my best friend.”
Me: “This is the year I’m going to train my dog to come when I call him.”
I have a video appointment with my doctor.
I’m going to hang a photo of an empty examination room in front of the webcam and show up fifteen minutes late so he can experience what I normally go through.
If you’re dying, and have recently lost your car keys, take the opportunity, as your life flashes before your eyes, to try to spot them!
BEYOND burger!
IMPOSSIBLE burger!
UNFEASIBLE burger!
LITERALLY UNFATHOMABLE burger!
burger THAT SHOULD NOT BE!
AFFRONT TO GOD AND CREATION burger!
Chicken: Hey look, another egg! Will you look after it for me, like the others?
Farmer: Sure
Chicken: How many chicks do I have now?! Can’t wait to meet them all
Farmer:
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
Every time I cook risotto I feel like Gordon Ramsey is going to walk in and scream at me.
CINDERELLA: my parents r dead
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: im being abused
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: i need a new outfit
FAIRYGODMOTHER: hi
If you thought going to the movies was expensive before, now you need a boat
“Do not touch” must be one of the scariest things to read in braille.
“Hello?”
“Hi it’s me”
“Oh hi me”
DR: So, you’re 36 years old, 4 foot tall & sound like a woman. How can I help you today, Mr Simpson?
BART: I don’t know where my hair starts
Thought for the day:
Shouldn’t you really have more than one thought each day?
Me: I really need to stop putting things off to the last minute
Bomb squad: actually, 5 seconds
Can’t decide if I want to join a cult or a woodchipper.
Been in line for hours and I’m beginning to think this Radio Shack isn’t going to open.
[first date]
HIM: Can I call you sometime?
HER: [slowly slides napkin over phone] You can’t… I lost my phone
The correct amount of coffee is the amount where, if you perished, your heart would continue to beat for a good 2-3 days.
Friend: are you ready for our hike?
Me: *filling my camelback with french onion soup* just about