If anyone out there is named Aesop dear god please open a table store I have just the name for you.
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Someone just got sent home for having a meltdown. I’ve never been so jealous of a coworker in my life.
The hubs accidentally shrunk a shirt of mine…guess I have no choice but to accidentally shrink a paycheck of his😎
everyone gangster til the tickle monster show up
You’ve reached voicemail of [Jim], leave a message.
“Hi it’s the library. The book ‘How to Steal Library Books’ is now 1 week over…UH OH”
Me: Hey, don’t assume I’m dying alone. I might find someone, you don’t know.
Waiter: I asked if you were dining alone.
Me: Oh, sorry. Yes.
My 3yo explaining pizza delivery:
“You hear the doorbell, then you open the door, then a person is suddenly there, and then they give you a pizza. And then they disappear into the night.”
I tried to sign up for a streaming service, but it was not Tubi.
[restaurant]
ME: this chicken fried steak is terrible
WAITER: that’s probably because it was fried by a chicken
Him: hey see you around
Me, a flat earther: *eyes narrow* yeah see you ahead
Somebody spiked my ice water with 14 glasses of champagne last night
“How many dead bodies do I have to leave on the porch before they acknowledge me?”
-Cats
[in a club]
ME: have you seen my moves?
HER: no
ME: *shows her photographs of my last four apartments*
Who called it life jacket not aquaguard
“She wears short skirts, I wear t-shirts.”
-Romans 1:15
“Coward” should really mean “to move in the direction of a cow”
I had a dream that I was fighting Jason Bourne, Will Hunting and Tom Ripley.
After months of therapy I’m finally battling my Damons.
So it turns out you can eat cranberry sauce when it’s not Thanksgiving and nothing happens. You don’t get arrested or anything.
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: [through foam mascot head] ya
Watched The Tinder Swindler a few weeks back, now watching Bad Vegan. The most puzzling thing is why do these women just give these men their money? Is this a thing you do if you have money? I would never give a man money. If the cashier at the store is a man I simply do not pay.
Gave our gerbil a piece of kale from the garden. Now it’s complaining about gluten and begging for its own little pair of Uggs.
It puts the lotion in the basket. Then it calls the wife to make sure it’s the right brand so it doesn’t get the hose again.
– First day of College
– Dorm meetingDorm monitor: Any questions guys?
Me: *from the back* WHICH DRAWER IS FOR OUR BLANKIES??
Me: Guh! Say it. Don’t spray it
Firefighter: That’s not… that’s not how using a fire hose to save your burning home is supposed to work…
Attention, Auto-Correct – it’s never “He’ll yeah!” Stop trying!
[aliens dissecting humans]
alien surgeon: seems like they feel terrible after they drink alcohol
alien assistant: that’s good, so they never do it
alien surgeon: you’re not gonna beleive this
I honestly see both sides of the flat earth debate.
the fbi, studying my kidnapper’s proof of life photo of me, notice a morse code message of mustard stains across the front of my shirt that says: ‘we’re out of mustard’
“Predators are essential for a healthy ecosystem,” I explained as I released a bobcat into the airduct
I just wish my ex could look down from heaven and see me right now, but no, the bastard is still alive.