Just ate so many carrots I can see through drywall.
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911: What’s your emergency?
I’m being held hostage by the Swedish mafia!
911: Are you being tortured?
They’re making me put together an IKEA Poäng chair
911: Just asking for a friend, but what color?
I am always amazed when people grossly exaggerate my lifestyle as a lesbian. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a topless cupcake fight to attend.
BREAKING: Pluto is once again a regular planet.
“It was always huge & full sized!” said one dwarf planet scientist with a fake mustache.
Very suspicious that this keeps happening
Be the reason your neighbors have that why me look in there eyes whenever they see you
Raisins are just grapes pretending not to be past their “sell by” date
When are we gonna admit that those tools we keep by the fireplace are just for killing people?
Capture a raccoon & an octopus. Sit them on the couch. Give them snacks. Sit between them. Turn on the TV.
Now you’re ready to have kids.
king arthur: has anyone seen the guy who cuts open everyone’s boils
*knights murmuring*
sir lancelot: I’m here your majesty
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
there are five seasons: reese’s pumpkin season, reese’s christmas tree season, reese’s heart season, reese’s egg season, and the long loneliness
I plan on being Batman for Halloween.
And now that I’ve told you all this, I realize I’m actually one shitty Batman.
my anaconda don’t want none unless you got all beef patties special sauce lettuce cheese pickles onions on a sesame seed BUN HUN
i love banana bread you just buy a bunch of bananas and then ignore them for a while and finally you’re like ok u will be bread now
Life would be simpler if you were notified when you were added to lists IRL.
“Your crush” has added you to list “Friend Zone”.
Saw a goth teenager walking a hyperactive chihuahua and if they can be friends, anyone can.
I think the English invented raisins as a joke because of their dry sense of humour.
Why does James Bond keep telling people his real name? Worst. Spy. Ever.
Go to bed barstool. You’re drunk
People of my generation are always saying that they are shocked how little role quicksand plays in their lives, but I gotta tell you, knowing the difference between a stalagmite and a stalactite has not proved to be as critical as I expected either.
My house isn’t messy, it’s whimsical.
ME: (first day as a detective) It looks like he accidentally shot himself in the head while trying to eat his own gun. What a shame.
MY PARTNER: Have u considered suicide?
ME: Jesus Christ man, I just get sad sometimes. I dont want to die.
“It looks like you’re in the middle of a workout.”
– My passive-aggressive Apple Watch as I walk across a parking lot to my car
The Olympics were so inspiring I’m now commuting to work via pole vault
You’re not allowed to make up words. It’s illexical
Jeez, try to cash in the “one free back rub” coupon your high school girlfriend gave you on your 15th birthday and her husband gets all apoplectic.
There was no expiration date, Carl.
Just reported my neighbors to Belgian authorities because they have a dog named Waffle.
Me: I’m not delusional.
Squirrel: There she goes again.
dad: I can’t find my glasses, can you read what this says for me?
me: “Dad do you want to go to Home Depot”
dad: [voice catching] Sure son
Cats REALLY hate dryers.
However, Patches has Never looked this fluffy