if anyone starts quoting the bible to you, a funny thing to yell is “NO SPOILERS I HAVEN’T READ IT YET”
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What do you mean we “lost” an hour of sleep? FIND IT
No, give me the blue mittens for shoveling. The red ones are for scandal.
“I am lichenthrope.”
“Don’t you mean lycanthrope?”
“No.” *turns into moss*
genie: you can’t wish for more wishes
me: okay, i wish for the best contract lawyer in the world
genie: okay weird but *poof* here’s alan
me: hey alan, find some loophole in this genie’s bylaws that gets me more wishes
alan: *to genie* this is the fifth time this month
me: I can’t wait for the elections to be over so I can remove these political signs
proctologist: how many are in here
*Me, accidentally knocking kitchen knife off counter*
My foot: I’LL GET IT
My brain: NO YOU IDIOT
Alarm: beep beep beep
Me: I respectfully decline.
Friend: your kid is bouncing off the walls and running everywhere!
Me: yeah… she’s super tired
Friend: tired?
Me: it’s complicated
WebMD is a Choose Your Own Adventure book where every single story ends in malignant cancer
My bathroom scales need a new home. They weigh you 30 pounds over, and have slight damage from being thrown out a window, but aside from that, they’re fine.
Trainer: Are you wearing lipstick? Me: OMG no, that’s just wine.
It’s almost September so here’s a list of all the fun things I’ve done this Summer:
1-
2-
3-
4-
5- sweat
if i was a character in a horror movie and something supernatural was happening i wouldn’t be scared because that stuff isn’t real
Your prayers are needed. Today I’m gonna tell my screenplay that it’s adapted.
When you gaze into the abyss, the abyss also gazes into you, wraps a towel around itself and screams oh wait that’s my neighbor haha Hi Pam!
subtitles are so good nowadays
What do you call a snake that is exactly 3.14 meters long?
A πthon
We reach out to meet each other half way, filling the vast void between us. We yearn to become as one.” – A poem by my eyebrows
Instagram: look how pretty everything is
Facebook: look how easy everything is
Twitter: look how painfully funny everything can be if you just actually look at it and be honest
Tiktok: look at how dancing everything is
“Please let go of my hair”
-my gynaecologist
Can I watch The Meg if I haven’t Seen The Peter, The Lois, The Chris, The Stewie or The Brian yet?
Them: what’s an expensive hobby of yours?
Me: living
2010 Drive-by: Someone wants you dead.
2020 Drive-by: It’s probably your birthday.
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
I don’t think my family will ever accept me.
First it’s “get a hobby,” now it’s “stop sacrificing our chickens to lesser-known gods.”
This whiskey tastes like my neighbours will be listening to Metallica.
Relationship status: If my husband is running his fingers through my hair, it’s to retrieve food.
Can’t believe spirit halloween sells this
Tomorrow’s goal is to double my water intake by having two sips.
“Why does the Gingerbread Man have super speed? It doesn’t make sense.”
“Dessert goes pretty fast.”
“Please shut up.”