Me: Ohhh, MARITAL arts workshop…now I really feel stupid in this karate outfit.
Wife to therapist: Do you see what I’m dealing with here?
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Sci-Fi Author: In my book I invented the Torment Nexus as a cautionary tale
Tech Company: At long last, we have created the Torment Nexus from classic sci-fi novel Don’t Create The Torment Nexus
Drink lots of muppet milk to keep your fur soft and manageable and your eyes their googliest.
We will all sleep a lot better if someone tells us the nuke passcode requires spelling.
CYCLOPS: How do u spell Hawaii?
WIFE [biting lip] well..u need 2 i’s
CYCLOPS [puts pen down] my life is just a joke to u isn’t it Linda
*Gwen Stefani as a girl selling $2 snacks in front of her house*
CUSTOMER: Do you have any $1 snacks?
GWEN: I ain’t no dollar snack girrrrrl!
my mom said she fed the cutest black and white squirrel today. my sister checked the ring camera, it was a literal skunk
There’s a tree outside my window that sounds like a ventriloquist doll scraping it’s tiny fingers across the wall when it’s windy at night. Yeah, it’s definitely the tree. Definitely the tree
KFC hitting the cannibal market
Tomorrow implies the existence of Frommorrow. And also Tomorcolumn. And Tomandrow! Man, these daiquiris are strong…
Getting my 6yo from a playdate today:
6: “Bye! Thank you! You need to wash your hair!”
Friend’s mom (laughing): “I do?”
6: “Yeah, it’s black near your head!”
Friend’s mom (still laughing, thank god): “Oh honey, those are just my roots.”
Me, dying 1,000 deaths: “Time to go!”
Drank enough whiskey to talk the husband into a Titanic reenactment. He’s laying in the snow and I won’t share the picnic table with him.
“It’s like they’re not even impressed that this fits inside my nostril.”
– Toddlers
I sleep naked because I want burglars to feel weird.
Everybody always says never go to bed angry, but nobody told my husband never let your wife go to Target angry. He learned this the hard way.
For Halloween I’m just going to put these on and lay down under a house.
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
[Picking up a prescription]
Pharmacist: Wait. You’re Rodney Lacroix?
Me: Um. Yes.
Pharmacist: I’ve heard you’re funny.
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me: Well, right now I feel like I’m dying so can I have my prescription?
Pharmacist: omg you’re hysterical
Govt: How many dependents do you have?
Me: 7
Dependents: [dogs in baby clothes]
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a girl, asking her to help me put a bunch of ducks in my car.
lawyer: “my client claims the altercation began because – and i quote – “he came at me sideways”
crab: “in my defence..”
i will not close my account until the sport of golf is rightfully named “golfball” like the other ball sports
Hey everybody, I just finished the 30 day yoga challenge and it was easier than I expected. In fact, I bet I could go another 30 days without doing yoga.
I’d watch more Olympic figure skating if they had defense
At Christmas, a eight year old asked if I had ever heard of smash bros.
Nope never, let’s play, I’m sure I’ll have beginners luck
my toddler is screaming because I’m wearing earplugs because my toddler is screaming
80% of marriage is pointedly yelling an irritated “WHAT?!” to make your spouse understand that there’s no chance in hell you can hear what s/he’s saying from five rooms away, around three corners, down two hallways, and over the cacophonous screams of hyper children.
Not sure who graded these eggs as Extra-Large, but I’m guessing it was a guy.