@myles_morrison: If anyone tried to steal my identity I would just think "now it's their problem."
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@NervousJr: Based on how many times I've dropped my phone, I'm gonna hold off on the whole baby thing.
@Jaywoo74: If you don't think of 50 different ways to murder your boss every morning on your drive to work you're probably the boss
@biscuitahoy: When you look at Twitter's trending topics, it's a lot easier to understand why they have to write "Do Not Eat" on silica gel packets.
@Carbosly: I hope zombies will come from Mexico. After eating their way through fat Americans, they'll be like "Sorry little Canadians. We're full."