My 9: what language does toast speak?
French toast.
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ME: (peeing in the corner of the elevator)
GUY: We’re not even stuck.
[in someone else’s master bathroom]
5-year-old: They have two sinks.
Me: Yeah.
5: One for each hand.
My politics are simple: one day I will be eaten by a gigantic worm. And anyone who tries to stop that from happening is my enemy
“She loves me not…”
: Picks last petal :
“She LOVES ME!”Flower: “…NOT! LOL nerd”
: Whips out hidden petal shaped like middle finger :
My sister FaceTimed me this morning and I answered hungover and obviously not looking the best and all she did was start laughing really hard at my face and then goes “ugh thank you I needed that!” then just hung up
My 4yo twins spent half the morning yelling “Alexa watch this!!” and when they finally walked away Alexa asked if I could find her a new home that doesn’t have kids
Donald Trump only wears a toupee to hide Lord Voldemort.
Wife: we have to get rid of these ants
Me: if u don’t look at them they disappear
Wife: that’s ignorant
Me: i know the technical term linda
HER: what’s with all the finger pointing
ME [sharpening my other pinky]: tradition
My computer is frozen. Unfortunately it looks like moving my mouse around in circles did absolutely nothing to fix the problem.
Give a baker flours on your first date.
me: i really like miley cyrus’s new cd
my kids: what’s a cd?
me: *dies of old age*
I’m tired of commercials trying to be funny. Scare me into buying something. I want to be terrified of buying the wrong toothpaste.
I used to be able to eat whatever I wanted without gaining weight. Now I pick up a fork and gain seven pounds.
The person who is your first and last thought of the day is either the one who has your heart, or who’s murder you’re secretly plotting.
When your boss says “You need help”, he never means a hitman.
start pet casino? explore legality
shit this isn’t my notes app
I’m starting to suspect the cat knows more than she’s letting on but I’ll never know because she’s changed the passcode to get into her laboratory.
Everyone makes fun of Aquaman, but he’s got it all figured out.
He spends all day chilling in the water.
His life is one big pool party.
Say what you want about my short term memory…unless you already have…
[first date]
Adam: *puts phone face down on the table* hey
Eve: interesting, are you afraid I’ll see a text from another woman
Adam: *rubbing the bridge of his nose* how could that even be possible
Donkey I Shreked the Kids
Twitter is like swimming in the ocean. Sometimes, it a beautiful sight. Occasionally, you find others like you. And you have no idea how many times you’ve passed a shark.
He’s dead, Jim. Bought the farm. Bit the pita. Shanked the llama. He’s a shit piñata. He’s gone elf. Dropped the fudgsicle. No more potatoes
Do werewolves pull their ripped pants down to poop in the woods?
*Hands girl a card that says Be Mine*
Girl: Aw that’s so sweet
*Pulls out a pickaxe*
Me: Come on, do it I need some iron ASAP lady!
“Hey look, a corn maze!”
– me, drunk, about to get lost in a corn maze
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
Me: Have you ever tasted cat food?
Interviewer: No, I meant questions about the job.
[commercial for tupperware]
Are you done with that food, but would rather throw it away in 3 weeks rather than right now?
– Tupperware