If anyone wants a tiger let me know. I bought one but he’s being a d-bag and won’t wear the matching sunglasses I bought us.
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An Adele remix? Perfect now I can dance and cry at the same time.
Welcome to your fifties. You need to try on belts before you buy them now.
Give a man a six pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Give him a 24 pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Hello this is ur pilot speaking
We almost began our descent but my copilot said “turn down for what” so
looks like we r rerouting to Cancun
My wife and I couldn’t agree about whether or not I’m her hero. She’s in the bathroom right now and I’ve hid the toilet paper. We’re about to resolve this.
I’m not necessarily saying it’s been a while since I sorted out my spice cupboard, but I have just found some star anise that’s technically eligible to vote.
My dog just looked me in the eye and said “no one is gonna believe you”, then took a nap.
*opens present
HER: What is this?
ME: It’s The One Ring. I fought orcs for it.
HER: They didn’t have that Michael Kors bag I showed you?
When a cop asks if you know why you were pulled over, respond, “I’m actually not allowed to discuss the details of the case”
I own a gun so if a robber breaks into my home and steals my stuff I can shoot all my stuff and break it so the robber can’t enjoy any of it
Some days driving is like Russian roulette, but with squirrels.
[couple tossing baby back and forth]
[music stops]
judge: custody granted
dad: [holding baby] AW DAMMIT
Wife: please stop eating so much salt.
Me: why?
Wife: too much sodium can lead to high blood pressure, heart attack, and stroke.
Me: so you’re saying too much sodium is a salt with a deadly weapon?
Wife: [pours more salt on my food].
Life’s not about waiting for the storm to pass, it’s about learning how to Riverdance around a broken bottle of olive oil in aisle 6.
[Joseph checking in to hotel]
“Is there WiFi?”
Only in the stable
*later to Virgin Mary*
“Honey, hotel was booked. Gotta stay in the stable”
Holy shit, remember rhymes with September. If no one thought about putting that in a song, I’m gonna be rich.
You’re an adult now. Stop lying about your life on Facebook and start doing it on LinkedIn
I don’t really ask for much, just good health and happiness. Oh, and a tater tot as big as my head.
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
GF: Sue at the bra shop said u got some lingerie
ME: …
G: Only u didn’t give it to me
M: [nervously adjusting thong] I’m having an affair
My girlfriend just called a group of sheep ‘sheeps’ and now I can never be sure that she is legally capable of consenting to sex.
Breaking news:
I’m too old to still be “getting too old for this.” I’ve arrived.
The newlywed couple laughed when I gave them blankets labeled “his” and “hers.” Obviously this is their first marriage.
Neighbor: OMG your yard looks amazing
Me: thanks, I pee in it every Saturday night
Against the wall, on the floor and bent over the couch are my favorite places to stretch.
Batman could have used his wealth to help Gotham’s poor and disenfranchised. But no, we really needed another violent leather fetishist.
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
“Sandwich artist” is a bit pretentious sir when you’re actually a subcontractor.