If anyone wants a tiger let me know. I bought one but he’s being a d-bag and won’t wear the matching sunglasses I bought us.
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My daughter woke up at 6:06 today instead of her usual 6:00 because we let her stay up 5 hours past her bedtime last night.
[hugging mom at sister’s funeral]
“And you said I’d never be your favorite”
Guys, when she complains about something you didn’t do, tell her about the things you did do. That will make everything ok!
You’re welcome!
Hey Dad,
The airport called, if you don’t
turn down your TV, they’re filing
a complaint.
Talking to funeral home director:
Me: “I would like to have my mother-in-law cremated”
MIL: “Let go of me!”
A woman could tweet “My dog just died” and she would get replies like “Well, I’m not dead ;)”
Me as a lawyer: your honor, stfu cause you wasn’t even there
I used to work with a guy who was unemployed.
When you didn’t plan your story very well.
The calories in food given to you by someone else don’t count, right?
My 4yo asked if the tooth fairy pulls your teeth out in your sleep, and I deserve an award for taking the mature not-funny path of telling her “no”.
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
I’m thinking about registering as a sex offender just so families with lots of kids won’t move into my neighborhood.
Sending in my taxes
[creating seals]
Angel: It’s been a long day, how about just one more thing?
God: Give that dog a wetsuit & lets go the pub.
Everything is a pillow. Some things are just better pillows than others
How to make emails sound livid:
“As discussed”
“I thought we agreed”
“Regards”
“Thanks”
“I was under the impression”
“FYI”
“As per my email”
“With respect”
“Friendly reminder”
“Polite note”
“I was disappointed to…”
“Whilst I appreciate…”
“As I’m sure you’re aware”
Drank so much coffee I think I just lost hearing in my right eye.
Last night my kids suggested I kill and eat someone to gain his strengths. I think I should start locking the door when I sleep.
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
My eye keeps twitching. I’m no doctor, but I feel like eating a large quantity of bread and cheese will probably cure it.
This year I have a few special people on my list that will get expired gift cards wrapped up with tons of glitter.
ME: You’re a silly sausage aren’t you?
SAUSAGE: [peering over spectacles] I may have acted out in my youth but that’s not what defines me.
If I offended anyone in the last 24 hours sorry but I forgot my medication and I ran out or premium beer and my son’s dating a scientologist
wife calling me in the grocery store: where are you???
me: i’m over in the cereal.
wife: but i’m in the cereal aisle.
me: *whispers* open the box.
*1st day as the Dr’s assistant*
Igor: lol. for a second there I thought you said a ‘teen-building exercise’.
Dr Frankenstein: that’s correct.
The first workout after vacation week reminds you of how many cheeseburgers you had while on vacation
3 is throwing cheerios across the room for 1 to fetch, and I’m just wondering why I didn’t think of that first
The only thing worse than getting caught sneaking alcohol into the house by your wife is being called amateur by your teen son.
TV Ad: Do you wanna watch a show that smartly satirizes the complete corporatization of American institutions and skewers the bureaucracy of large companies? Watch “The Boys!”
Me: Heck yeah
TV Ad: Streaming now on Amazon Prime™️
Me: Wait a second