me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
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When you want to key his car, but he doesn’t have one, so you bend his bus pass.
Sometimes the fudge you bought on vacation turns out to be soap, but never the reverse. That’s how vacations work.
I can’t wait to eat chips. If I had known Lent was so long I would not have given up chips.
– 11, missing the point of Lent
It wouldn’t kill this religion to throw a virgin in a volcano every now & then.
Anyway, thats why they removed the suggestion box from Mass
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
Bury me with thousands of bottle caps so whoever finds me 2000 years from now really freaks out
[the Schrödinger home – Vienna, 1897]
“You see? She is both dead and al-”
“Erwin, let your cousin out of the bathroom. NOW.”
Perfect.
[kitchen]
“Please pass the bee-nut butte-”
*wife glares*
“-the honey”
I’ve never understood the purpose of apps like Nextdoor. It sounds like it’s all just insane people looking out their window and then writing “suspicious man in brown shirt and shorts left three suspicious boxes in our lobby”
I love you, but you’re not stepping foot into my home with even a speck of glitter.
“Sure Chief, you can join us for dinner this year. But in the future, you’re gonna need reservations.”
-Pilgrims, at the first Thanksgiving
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
At his funeral. I lay my hand on your shoulder. I apply pressure, gently, in an attempt to move you from in front of the snack table.
saying you’re celebrating your 2 year anniversary:
-dull
-overused
-nobody caressaying you’ve been together for 4 brexit extensions:
-original
-spicy
-culturally poignant
*weigh myself*
Hmmmm…
*weigh myself on different scales and am two pounds lighter*
Ah these are more accurate…
My 6-year-old: What’s the difference between a barracuda & a shark?
Me: When a barracuda is near, you’ll hear a guitar riff. When it’s a shark, you’ll hear a tuba.
If she thinks Simon and Garfunkel are the names of your lawyers, she may be too young for you bro.
waiter: what’ll it be?
me: I’ll have chameleon
waiter: that’s not on the menu
me: how can you be sure?
why in the hell am i in my kitchen right now letting this casserole win?
angel 1: what are these?
angel 2: strawberries
angel 1: you forgot the seeds!
angel 2: oh shit, he’s coming whadda we do?
angel 1: quick, stick ’em on the outside
god: *passing by* ooh nice
Miss Pissy Face and Mr Crabby Pants in HR told me I am not allowed to make up nicknames for my co-workers anymore.
I made a book review bingo card. Critics are hailing it as ‘a remarkable achievement’.
[Wildebeest orbiting the earth in a spacesuit, uselessly kicking its legs madly every time a really grassy part comes into view]
Not my circus. Not my monkeys. But I’m 99% positive I know those clowns.
Um, products that have seals that read, “Do not use if seal is missing,” how are we supposed to know that a seal is missing if it’s missing?
What’s the proper etiquette for when someone cancels plans? Should I send them a thank you card?
A guy tried to flirt with me so I gestured to my wedding ring, but I’d forgotten to wear it so he thought I wanted him to propose. It turned out that worked even better at getting rid of him.
Day 4 of social distancing.. My husband just challenged my kids to a Tic Tac battle (aka TikTok) .. dear god help us all.
Confession: I’ve said “Can’t wait!” about things I actually could wait for.