@FriskyOnWhiskey: If anyone's seen me at my best, and seen me at my worse, and still accepts me for who I am, it's definitely the liquor store.
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@hell_homer: This is your brain: [hippo standing in a field] This is your brain on twitter: [100s of people surround the hippo patting it rhythmically]
@theshamingofjay: The human soul weighs 1.2lbs. I know because I've weighed myself before and after I walk into my job
@OutOnTheMoors: Pro Tip: If you're on a fishing boat and someone calls you Chum, they're probably not being friendly.
@CorkyKneivel: I loathe tweets like "Be somebody's beautiful tragedy". Might as well tweet using a random word generator. "Be golf brisket honkytonk"