If anything bites you, chain yourself in the basement for the next full moon. Just to be sure.
*things I learned from horrors
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I think I will start calling my wife “My Customer” since she is always right…
i work in the toll booth and i listen to smooth operator and i sing along but i say booth operator
I just watched Grease and it makes me sad how kids today are too lazy to buy matching leather jackets and smoke cigarettes.
[at the mall]
“Excuse me? I lost my son. Can I please make an announcement?”
“Of course.”
[leans in to mic]
“Goodbye you little shit.”
If you hate awkward silences, then necrophilia isn’t for you.
Twitter crush? Nah, that’s my X girlfriend.
People who don’t follow you but comment on tweets with ridiculously stupid opinions are just hecklers with all the charm of a pedophile.
A pack of coyotes shrieking outside your house at 11:59 PM is slightly less unsettling if you imagine one of them just won a new car.
LOL at vegetarians coming to my house for a BBQ! Feel free to eat my lawn.
L-O-L!
Taco Bell implies the existence of all kinds of Taco Percussion
My dad calls my mom beautiful after 55 years of marriage, but I’m starting to suspect it’s because he forgot her name.
Good potato salad is like money. You never have as much as you want, and that’s probably a good thing.
I snuggle with my sweetie boo and seductively ask, “Would you still think I’m cuddly without skin?”
When my in-laws kindly told me to treat them as if they were my own family I graciously obliged.
I don’t speak to my own family either.
[First date]
HER: I want a man who is intensely passionate when he sees something he wants
ME: PASS THE FREAKING SALT
I feel like one of these would kill a European
Where do I see myself in 5 years? May 2019. Next question.
Her: Good morning!
Me: So we are starting off the day with a lie?
I don’t trust any bank that isn’t shaped like a pig.
screw it let’s just name every sports team after colored socks
I hate camping with my English teacher friend because he insists we only use the perfect tents.
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.
Someone told me signing my emails with “Best” is passive aggressive so
I’m changing it to “See you in hell’ to eliminate any confusion!! 🤣😏
Toddler: I want to go to bed with Thor & captain America
Me: me too kid, me too
cat owners be like don’t worry he only scratches if you pet him or feed him or call him or touch him or make noise or walk past him or
Told a girl she’s more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses and she said I’m also more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses.
Shattner didn’t go to Nimoy’s funeral, and Obama’s been on the phone all weekend with the Vulcan ambassador, trying to smooth things over.
*dents another car while parking*
*leaves note under windshield wiper*
“Material possessions are ephemeral and evanescent. Move on. I know I have.”
wife: what time is it
me, trying to set the world record for longest anyone has gone without bending their elbows: you know I can’t see my watch
ME: hell yeah I’m into Dune 2. Dune 2 others as you’d have them Dune 2 you!
JESUS: *descends from heaven* stop that