Become a parent to discover how angrily you can serve someone crackers.
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An apple a day keeps the doctor away unless you try to swallow one whole
Exorcist came by. Says house isn’t possessed, just incredibly poorly built.
Might be time to get in shape. Halfway up these stairs and I’m considering setting up base camp and trying again in the morning.
Customer next to me at pharmacy counter: What are you taking those for?
Me: To control my homicidal rage at nosy people.
Customer: …
I went on a date with a dolphin today, we just clicked.
[long ago]
A: Ok, so let’s mush a tree to pulp and then make flat thingies out of it.
B: Great idea. Write that down.
A: Where?
My wife never catches me scoping out the hot chick because she’s too busy judging the hot chick.
[meeting with financial advisor] ok so how does money work
I triple waxed for this?
Oldest child: Here are 100 pictures of me as a baby eating oatmeal.
Youngest child: Here are the 7 pictures of me as a child.
Leaned over to give my dog a kiss and he lifted his paw to shake hands, I’ve been friendzoned by my dog
Some woman in this swimsuit department just said, “summer bodies are made in the winter” so I strangled her with my new beach wrap.
Can’t decide if I want to join a cult or a woodchipper.
Me: Not today, Satan.
Her: Mom, stop calling me that.
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.😁
As my friend confessed, “My teenage daughter never even talks to me,” I struggled to conceal my jealousy.
If you wait for the perfect time. You will become a perfectionist at waiting.
I feel like IBM isn’t being roasted enough for their company name.
Therapist: Go to your happy place
Me: Ok
Therapist: Good, where are you?
Me: In a bathtub full of Sausage Egg McMuffins
Therapist: I’m sorry, what?
Me: The beach, I said the beach
“Hello, customer support. How may I help you? You’re looking for a refund? What seems to be the problem?… I understand. Please hold while I direct your call to our mean person.”
This picture says the only time the queen has ever used a knife before this moment, is to kill someone.
Sat through a horrible job interview for an hour then the guy was like “btw, this only pays 30k so if you’re looking for a job that pays better, look elsewhere” so I said “ok I will” then he was like “?? wait no” lmao this was hours ago and I still feel incredible
Put on sunglasses. Now run past a crowd of people with your index finger on your ear screaming “SNIPER HAS BEEN SPOTTED SIR”
I was worried my 5-year-old would miss out on the typical, in-person social interactions by being in virtual school this year. But then, his 3-year-old brother took his crayons today, thus serving as the classroom bully.
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
Why are we talking about foreign relations when we have untapped resources here? Take Dave, for example. We could eat Dave today. And I know you all want to.
– Cannibal Presidential Debates
me: they’re having a retirement party for my coworker
my father, an immigrant: what’s a retirement party? you mean a funeral?
My neighbor hates it when I figure out his wifi password but it’s his fault for writing it down and putting it on his fridge.
the avengers: “the city is saved”
the city:
“Sensitive” guys who only retweet chicks, you’re not fooling anyone.