Unfollowed a bunch of people this morning because of their views on sweater vests.
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i have lived through 30 winters and i’m somehow still surprised when it gets dark before 5pm in november
I sure have purchased an inordinate amount of ringtones, for someone who keeps their phone on Silent.
[TI and his daughter at OBGYN]
doctor, to TI’s daughter: u have a UTI
TI’s daughter: a what
doctor: UTI
TI: no I’m TI
How to sex:
Boy: can I put my finger in your belly button
Girl: sure
Girl: that’s not my belly button
Boy: that’s not my finger
Genie: *transforms me into a turtle* oh wait, did you say eternal life?
Me: *from inside shell* yeah no this is better
As highly as it’s esteemed, the Mayo Clinic still sounds like the place sick sandwiches go to get better.
[Olympic Swimming]
CANADIAN ANNOUNCER: I feel bad for the water look how hard they’re kicking it.
I’m hoping the next currency fad will be allen wrenches. I’ll be a gazillionaire.
Sometimes I put a vase of flowers outside to let other flowers know that if they try to be prettier than me, I’ll cut their legs off too.
Undercover cop at a beauty salon: I’ve been made, over
My 1YO hit my 5YO with his toy so she got upset and asked me if we can return him to the hospital and pick up a “nicer kid”.
“get your shit together” is my favorite weird expression of something no one would ever do, but everyone totally agrees is great advice.
[God creating teenagers]
What’s the most expensive way to be ignored?
The year is 2246. Disease and hunger have been eradicated. The terraforming of Mars is complete. The symbol for Save is still a floppy disk.
If you take a blue whale and lay it end to end on a basketball court, it will be really hard to play basketball.
tell em, edith-anne
Insanity [in•san•i•ty] (noun): Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results
See Also: Going back to your ex
[Library]
MAN: Do you have books on fire?
LIBRARIAN: Yes, in the Chemistry section
MAN: Come on boys!
*Swarms of firemen enter with hoses*
“Hi I’m looking for a birthday card for my mom’s sister”
*hands you an extremely small card*
“WHAT IS THIS A CARD FOR AUNTS”
Yes
“Perfect”
When you know it’s a French word but you can’t quite remember which one
sorry you tried to win an argument while i was wearing a sundress
“Clean up after yourselves. Your mother doesn’t live here!” I holler at my kids, completely forgetting several key details.
[slipping DJ $20] my good sir would you turn it down a skooch
[arriving in hell]
me: i didn’t know i’d have to wear what i died in forever
satan: where did you even find denim underwear
8 just got annoyed that the cheese on his grilled cheese sandwich melted and is no longer square shaped…in case any of you were on the fence about having children.
My stepson and his friend are driving around in my car. If he wrecks it, I have insurance. If he plays Nickelback in it, I’ll murder him.
All I’m saying is adults don’t tiptoe nearly as much as Saturday morning cartoons led me to believe.