It was 80s day at my 8yo’s school so I told him to walk to school and be home before dark.
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Of course you can trust me with your secret.
*Calls local news team
is nobodey else concerned that ‘charlottes web’ ends w/ the birth of generations upon generations of hyper-inteligent sentient spider babies
[interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”Superman: Seriously?
Whenever I drink I turn into Jason Bourne. I can’t remember much, fighting comes naturally, and I have a sudden need to evade the law.
So you think the sloth is the slowest land mammal in the world? Let me introduce you to my 4 year old when he needs to get ready for bed
me: arch your back it’ll give you more power
guy at the next urinal: what
I may appear calm on the outside…
…but pigeons are attacking a french fry in my head.
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
I’ve decided to become one of those super relatable twitter accounts. Folks, dontcha just hate it when you drop cob of corn and it rolls out your open front door and people are calling you all day going “I saw your corn”
My son will never know the thrill of illegally downloading Thong Song on napster and waiting 1h39m for it to download
Why do girls keep having periods when they hate them? Just stop having them , do what makes you happy ❤️
There are 70,000 Jehovah’s Witnesses in Melbourne for a conference. So I’ll be answering the door naked this weekend.
Guys! I finally dusted my bedroom! And guess what? I HAVE A NIGHTSTAND!!!
I started calling all three of my children by their last name. You’d think that would increase my chances of one of them acknowledging me, but you’d be wrong.
Looks like someone’s thrown Yoda through a window.
“And there was this one time…”
*scuffle scuffle*
*muffled swearing*
*mic drops*Me, giving a wedding toast
There are four golden girls and four teenage mutant ninja turtles but ask yourself, why have we never seen them all together in the same place?
Went on a family scooter ride. 4y/o asked to be carried the entire 3 mile experience.
Return home from the ride. 4 says “It’s so nice out! We should go for a walk!”
Toddlers don’t GAF.
Prevent future fights among your children by not owning any nice things.
I woke up with tons of motivation to go back to sleep.
Me: Jesus, are these… are these claw marks in the sand?
Jesus: I put you on the back of an emu lololololol
*howling & snorting* I don’t know what the big deal is about skipping some medication.
My wife and I announce when we’re going to the bathroom, but it’s more a way of saying, “I’m not watching the kids, so if they die in the next 4 minutes it’s all your fault.”
Did you know pigs have orgasms that last 30 minutes?
This is God thanking them for bacon.
My friend just brought me a coffee and I started crying bc it was such a sweet and small but genuine act of kindness and she was like “I’m your waitress, you literally just ordered this” and that is just classic her I love her so much
Today I met people who had twin 6 month old babies, and they would not even let me have the one that really liked me. Selfish.
If you want to set up a company and run it then that’s your business.
Math never tried to solve any of my problems.