If approached by a bear, you can play dead, or you can acknowledge the bear, say hello, and see what it needs. Have some decency
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[at home on video conference call]
Yeah boss I don’t know why I keep dropping. Maybe my connection is bad.
*pauses Netflix on 2nd monitor*
In the 2020 Little Mermaid, Ariel decides to stay underwater.
crying
SCIENTIST: if we feed cows seaweed we can slash greenhouse gas levels
[later]
SCIENTIST [watching dead cows float in the ocean]: well shit
Husband: *choking on a Dorito*
Me: Wait. When did we get Doritos?
I think we should elect Bernie. When Isis hears a Jew is president they will all have heart attacks and die.
I was just giving my son a mini-lecture on the phone & he did the whole “Oh, you’re breaking up, I can’t hear you” thing.
I hope his new foster family is nice.
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
Karate Kid (1984) A Japanese man teaches a desperate young boy about bullying by forcing him to fix his house.
Bartender: What can I get you?
Me: Sex, beards, rock & roll?
Bartender:
Me: Sparkling vampire crazy about me?
Bartender:
Me: Beer.
I wasted 400 years of my life trying to figure out if I was a vampire.
Me: Sometimes I think I have more imaginary conversations than real ones.
Scarlett Johansson: That’s very interesting.
boy pyromaniac: *starts first fire*
Dad pyromaniac: “im so prou-”
Mom pyromaniac: “dont say it!”
Dad pyromaniac: “im so proud of arson”
He thinks the lipstick kiss I left on his bedroom mirror was for him, but I was just kissing my reflection.
Do you ever feel like you’re a terrible person? I do. I feel like you’re a terrible person.
“Mom, the kid in the other car is making faces at me.”
“Just ignore him, sweetie.”
I did 1 single thing on my to-do list today which means now I get to watch 11 hours of TV
[throwes some foam packing peanuts into a pond]
“HEY! NO LITERING–”
shh wait
[a flock of rubber duckies float over squeaking excitedley]
why in the hell am i in my kitchen right now letting this casserole win?
this article brought to you by lions
*looking at my messy home*
Time to Marie Kondo the shit outta this place.
*5 mins later, crying*
I can’t throw out the box for my Optimus 7. It was a Windows phone. They don’t make those anymore. *in fetal position* It sparks joy. It sparks joy. It sparks j-j-j-j-oy!
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
I’m confident that I could drink sea water if I had to. Like if I needed to, my body would just handle it. I’m not saying scientists are wrong but they don’t know me.
My son just asked me to buy a book for school that he needs to read by tomorrow.
Now I need to go hide all my procrastination awards before I yell at him for procrastinating.
Hear me out..
A swear jar, but you take a piece of paper out and have to yell what’s written on it
A couple drops of super glue on your fingers and you wont pay attention to any other thing on the planet for three hours.
Don’t ask too many questions here. Curiosity kills the chat.
Don’t move, I know what I’m doing.
*takes a nap
I don’t get vegetables on my pizza because I don’t like mixing business with pleasure
[First day as an exterminator]
Me: *pointing to giant, dead mouse on floor* He won’t be bothering you anymore.
Chuck E. Cheese Manager: OH MY GOD