@WheelTod: If asked at a job interview "what's your biggest weakness", test their tolerance for honesty by replying "mortality"
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@abbycohenwl: [sees old lady drop $20] Devil on Shoulder: Grab her cash! Devil on other Shoulder: And push her over!
@TheBoydP: You have to love a boss with a sense of humor. Mine just sent me a 7am meeting notice on Outlook and I've never laughed so hard...
@aaronup: Psssst. Hey you, Yeah you...Facebook parent. Your kid looks the same as it did 8 minutes ago. When you posted the other 45 pics. We get it
@deardilettante: Walking around cemeteries looking at headstones is a great way to come up with baby names.